#FightBodyShaming: Replacements

[The background: This is the fifth post in my series, #FightBodyShaming. Check out all of the previous posts on this page if you missed them. I so appreciate the feedback and support I've gotten for this series. Together we can help each other combat body shaming.]

In my very first post in the #FightBodyShaming series, I talked about replacing lies with the truth. It's one thing to cut out lies, it's just part one in a two-step process. The second step is to fill that hole with the truth. But, lies aren't the only thing that need to be replaced.

I keep hearing this quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy." That statement cannot be more true, especially for the area of body shaming. How many times a day do you look at someone who you think looks "better" than you and compare your body to his/hers? How often do you feel inadequate when you measure yourself next to someone else's standards? How do you feel after you compare?

After I compare my body to someone else's, I usually feel pretty lousy. I feel inadequate in so many ways, and start wishing I could change my appearance. I don't feel good and I certainly don't feel joyful. But, for as bad as I feel doing it, it's really hard to stop.

Comparison is another thing that can't simply be cut out, it has to be replaced. I think the best thing to replace comparison is thankfulness. Thankfulness ushers in truth and joy as it causes us to consider the good things that are present in our lives.

The thing with thankfulness is, it doesn't come naturally. Comparison comes naturally, but we have to work on thankfulness. Thankfulness takes time and effort.

So here's my challenge for us: each time we compare or start to compare, I want us to thank God for at least five things about ourselves. Yeah, it feels really weird to do it, but it's so great at the same time. It helps us shift our focus from what we think is wrong or needs to change, to what we have and should be thankful for.

The Bible tells us lots of things about how God made us and sees us (check out this post for some verses). We are each a unique part of His creation that He formed individually to be special and one-of-a-kind. He values us more than His own life because He sent Jesus to earth to die and make a way for us to be with Him forever. (More on that here.) How can we not thank God for who we are because of Him?

I challenge you to start by thanking God for the things you like least about yourself. Each part of you serves an important purpose, even the parts you don't especially like, so you can find something about it to be thankful for. Don't ask God to change anything, simply thank Him, and allow thanksgiving to transform how you view yourself.

#FightBodyShaming: A Man's Perspective

Guest Blogger: Nick Mance

 [The background: This is the fourth post in my series, #FightBodyShaming, and also a guest post from my husband and fellow blogger, Nick Mance. I wanted to include the perspective of a man on this issue because it truly affects us all.]

Wow, what an honor to be asked to be a contributor on Elise's blog. I have been keeping up with her campaign to reshape how we view body image and I am all about fighting body shaming. But I need to be honest, I was a little wary about what to write about.

My plan had been to write about body shaming from a guy's perspective but I wasn't sure how that would be received. I know body image isn't something that guys embrace, but I know it is something we all struggle with internally. So I want to write a bit about my own experience with body shaming from a guy's perspective, and hopefully offer some advice for what we can do to defeat this in our culture.

My body shaming issues began when I was younger, between the ages of 8 and 10. I had grown up hearing that I was ugly or that no one thought I was attractive. When we hear that as guys, we tend to internalize it and pretend it doesn't hurt us. The truth is that internalizing things just means we don't deal with them until later in life and then we wrestle with deep internal wounds.

Fast forward to high school and I began to wrestle and started to get into the best shape I had ever been in. I lost a ton of weight and began to build muscle, but as a wrestler we always heard "cut weight" or "get bigger" or "don't eat if you don't make weight" and so much more. We knew it was all for the benefit of the team but what we really heard was "you aren't good enough" and "your body is wrong."

Fast forward a few more years--you know college and stuff--and after a few failed relationships and seeing my former girlfriends go with guys who were more physically fit and athletic, I just knew something was wrong. Couple this with all the advertisements that you see in media, in stores, and how everything went to slim fits, I began to hate my body.

I eventually entered into various weight loss programs that, until this point, I have never really shared. In high school and college I would run in the summer with a trash bag on underneath my clothing and then dress in full winter gear to shed what I thought were unneeded pounds. During and after college I began taking supplements to lose weight, I skipped meals, I used fasting as a means of losing weight rather than growing closer to God, and eventually got to the point where I just wouldn't eat or would eat only once a day.

Wow! That actually felt really freeing to let go of all that and put it out there, but at the same time it makes me want to weep. I know that there are plenty of guys out there struggling with these emotions and that guys today struggle with image more than we let on. So many guys decide to join a gym, so many guys tease each other about being overweight or by making fat jokes, or they make sure you aren't on their team.

I know this sounds like it shouldn't matter and that this is just boys teasing boys, but in reality, it does matter. Body image is something that affects both women and men, but men just allow for it to be untreated and don't talk about it. We push it down and down and down until later in life, and I am proof of that. I constantly look in the mirror and doubt my image. I look at myself and realize I am not the guy on TV that all the women swoon over. I battle doubts about whether or not Elise will stay in love with a guy who isn't the ideal image of a man. I struggle with losing weight and maintaining what I do lose. I want to be more athletic. I envy the guys who have a great metabolism. I am constantly ashamed of how I look.

But even as I write this post I am reminded that these things don't matter. My identity isn't in how I look, or even in what others think of me and my body. My identity is rooted in Christ, and because of that I know ideal body image isn't what I should be striving for. But honestly, that doesn't always help me because I want more practical steps to go forward. I know and believe that Christ is my strength, but I also know that I need to know how to put these truths into action!

The key is more than knowing the truth within Scripture, it is also in applying it in the right way. The Bible says that many people will cry out "Lord, Lord," but that He will reply, "I never knew you". These men knew what the Bible said but what they did, they did for themselves! They wanted to receive the glory and fame because their identity was in what they did. And that is how it is for us as men! Our identity is rooted in our looks and physique--what we do with our bodies--and we need to realize that isn't the truth. So what can we do to embrace the truth?

1. Don't trust what the media shows you. That isn't reality. Just like girls need to realize thigh gap isn't what makes you pretty, we need to realize that chiseled abs and muscles that have muscles aren't what make us attractive.
   
   
2. Look to what the Bible says. You will never find a verse in the Bible that says you must look a certain way to be attractive. In fact the Bible says that beauty or attractiveness has nothing to do with your your body, but everything to do with your heart.
   
   
3. Be honest! If you are married share your insecurities with your spouse! In fact one of the best things I ever did was share with my wife my insecurities because she began to tell me just how attractive I am. (That's a win for us guys!) It boosted my confidence and helped me realize I am attractive and that she sees it. If you aren't married share your insecurities with those closest to you (see below) or with your significant other. The point is that honesty within a relationship is paramount especially when it comes to insecurities so you can support one another.
   
   
4. Share this with your buddies. Chances are they are feeling this too! It is time we as men embraced our vulnerabilities and relied on help from others! Don't laugh at your friends and their struggle, instead support one another and build each other up.
   
   
5. Find your identity in Christ. On those days when you can't fit the slim fit shirts, when you feel gross, or every other guy around you seems to be more attractive and fit, realize that God loves you for you! He has made you perfect and knows and loves you for you! You are His and He loves you for that. Seek to find your identity in Him and Him alone and watch how radically your life changes.

Guys, let's fight this body shaming culture and seek to be a culture that encourages men and women to find their identity in Christ, and realize that in His eyes we are all beautiful images of Him! Let's change the world's understanding of body image.

You can read more of Nick's writings on his blog, nickmance.blogspot.com. You can also find him on Twitter and Instagram @Nick_Mance.

#FightBodyShaming: Words Can Hurt Me

[The background: This is the third post in my series, #FightBodyShaming. Check out the first and second posts if you missed them. I so appreciate the feedback and support I've gotten for this series. Together we can help each other combat body shaming.]

I don't care what anyone says, this much I know: words can hurt. Badly. I also know and believe that it matters what we say about ourselves and about others. So in this post, I'm challenging you to speak and think well of yourself and of others, even when no one else is around. Maybe you already do, and that is awesome! Keep up the good work! But if you don't, this post is for you.

Why It Matters

I once heard that if you keep listening to what someone says about you, eventually you'll believe it. The person was talking about listening to what God says about you, but it also applies to what you say about yourself. And it applies to what you say about people, even if they aren't around. Why? Because someone else is, someone else is hearing what you say or reading what you write, and they'll start believing it if they're around it enough.

It's like brainwashing: if you're exposed to the same message over and over, you eventually begin to believe it. If every time you look in the mirror, you tell yourself you're ugly, eventually you're going to believe it. If every time you see that one person and you made a snide comment to your bestie, eventually she's going to start viewing that person the same way. And she may even apply it to herself, because who says you don't make a snide comment about her when she's not around?

Words matter because they affect how we view ourselves, how we view others, and how others view themselves and us. It can be a brutal cycle, full of hurt, lowered self-esteem, depression, anger, and self-harm. Who wants to contribute to that kind of cycle? I'd rather break it and start a new cycle.

It Starts With You

Sometimes the hardest place to change things is inside us. We get used to doing things a certain way, even detrimental things. We get used to being critical of the things we don't like about ourselves and thinking harmful thoughts. We're always our own biggest critic. But this is where we have to start if we want to break the cycle. We have to start inside.

So I'm first challenging you to force yourself to only say or think positive things about yourself. (Use this post for some sources of truth to replace the negativity.) Yeah, I know, it feels prideful and can be really hard. Trust me, I fail at this all the time. But, I want to master it if I ever have kids because I do not want to set an example of self-degradation for my children.

Plus, I know I can accomplish more when I take the focus off myself, and this is a way to start. Fostering self confidence helps you get over what's "wrong" with you so you can focus on helping and building up others. You won't have to go through life seeking praise from people because you know the truth about yourself. This is one of the best gifts you can give yourself or others.

When you're done reading this post, I want you to write out a list of at least 10 things you like about yourself. I don't care about your excuses, just do it. I don't care if it feels self-centered or awkward, you need to do this. You are a wonderful, amazing person, full of talents and gifts, who bears the image of God. So get listing and look back at it any time you're tempted to say something harmful about yourself.

It Ends With You

I heard another great quote the other day: "Gossip stops with me." A-freaking-men. I want to challenge each of you to make this your personal goal: the gossip stops with you. Today. Now. Period. Why? Because it matters what we say about each other, whether it's related to body shaming or not.

For this post, I'm defining gossip as anything negative, personal, unkind, private, or hurtful said about someone, whether they're absent or present. Basically anything you wouldn't want spread around about you, or anything you're not sure someone would want you repeating. And if you're not sure, then just don't say it.

Gossip doesn't do anything good for anyone, not the person being talked about, the person doing the talking, or the person listening. Trust me, I've been involved in all sides of gossip. I've been on the victim side and seen firsthand how words can tear down people and families. It can cause severe and sometimes irreparable damage to people. If you want more details, I'd rather talk about this in person than on the Internet, because there is grace and there is forgiveness.

I've been the person doing the gossip and it didn't turn me into a nice person. When I worked in retail, the content of most of my interactions with co-workers was gossip-based. I became an angry, irritable person, always complaining about something or someone. This spilled over into my marriage and I could see it fueling a pattern of complaining more once I got home. After I left that job, I decided that continuous gossip was a place I never wanted to go back to again.

And I've been the person listening, both intentionally and unintentionally. When I intentionally listen and partake, I know I'm encouraging a trend that isn't right and that I don't believe in. When I'm unintentionally around it and subjected to it, I know I never want to reveal anything personal or private about myself. Gossip can keep me from building friendships because I'm not interested in becoming the subject matter of someone's conversations. Offering up my life's personal details isn't worth that to me.

So I'm working on making "gossip stops with me" true of my speech. I haven't fully gotten there yet; I still make mistakes and speak out of frustration or anger, but I can already see a shift in myself, and that is what I want. I choose not to join in with certain conversations. I catch myself wanting to say negative things, and choose to stop myself then and there.

And I'm asking you, dear friends, to join me. Let's start a cycle of uplifting speech, guarding our friends and acquaintances from hurtful words, and speaking the truth in love and with grace. My hope is that through our words, we will build each other up and set an example for others.

A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence. -  Proverbs 11:13

Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends. - Proverbs 17:9

Without wood, fire goes out; without a gossip, conflict dies down. - Proverbs 26:20

#FightBodyShaming: Weights + Measures

[The background: Last month I wrote my first #FightBodyShaming post, you can check it out here. I so appreciate all the people who gave me feedback on it; I hope it encouraged each reader in some way, male or female.]

As a society, we're used to having a set system for weighing the value of something. We use weights and measures to assess what something is worth, a grading scale to give value to work, a system for evaluating cost. We're pretty used to it by now and able to throw out terms to describe just about anything. "It was 100 meters. It was cheap. It's half a carat." But how do we determine the value of people?

We've gotten pretty good at throwing out terms about humans, too. But it's not a set scale, it slides depending on who's talking. Words like fat, skinny, ugly, or pretty are used at random, and with little thought, to assess the "physical value" of a person. Our culture has gotten pretty good at making it clear what it values and what it rejects when it comes to people. And most of us have an idea of where we fall on that sliding scale.

There are so many issues here, but one of the biggest is that it improperly and inadequately places value on just one thing, appearance. Sure, there are other ways we try to "measure" people--smart, dumb, talented, deadbeat--but almost every way we measure skirts around the true weight or value of a person. Why is that? Because we as humans don't have the capacity to assess the true, real value of a person on our own. We need something unbiased, outside ourselves to determine our value.

So, if we're like this $20 bill, then our value is determined by our maker. It can't be determined by other $20 bills, or other people, but by the Creator. And if that's the case, we have to look at how He determines value for an accurate representation of what we're worth.

Someone once said, "You can tell the value of something based on what someone is willing to pay for it." If that's true, then we have to look at what our Creator is willing to pay for us. John 3:16-17 tells us just what God was willing to give for us, the life of His only Son. "For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him." (HCSB)

God the Father gave up God the Son to save us from sin, death, and hell so that we could be with Him forever. To be honest, the life of Jesus is far more valuable than all our lives combined, and yet God loved us that much that He sent Jesus to die for us. He gave up the invaluable to give us life, and thus show us our value in His eyes. I think this should forever change our view of human value and life. It is priceless.

To fight against body shaming--both that of ourselves and of others--we need to internalize this truth and believe it. You need to know and believe that you are a priceless treasure to God, worth more than His own life. You need to know that He wants you, loves you, and thinks extremely highly of you. You also need to know that He views every other human life in this exact same way. No one is less valuable than anyone else. We are each precious, valuable, and loved.

If you want to read some more about what God says about us in the Bible, go back to my previous post in this series for some important verses.

#FightBodyShaming: Truth > Lies

Body image. It's a topic that has been coming up a lot lately. Actually, it's been coming up a lot my whole life because it's an issue that all women deal with, even the super pretty, confident ones. But, because it's been a discussion topic among friends recently, I posted a little graphic yesterday on Instagram pledging to help fight body shaming, and inviting other women to join with me.

With my post, I wrote the following:

So the topic of body image keeps coming up, especially among those of us tackling the #Whole30 this month. It's a rough road and it can be hard to change your view of yourself. Most body shaming comes from within, when we have an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation of ourselves. The first step to tackling body shaming is to tackle yourself--fighting those self-depreciating lies you tell yourself every time you look in the mirror. As January ends, I'm taking a pledge to stop my personal, inner body shaming, and I think you should too. If you want, repost this image and share the pledge with your friends. Together we can build each other up and fight against body shaming.

Of course anything having to do with self esteem and body image is so much easier said than done. So I started thinking, what are some practical ways we as women can help ourselves fight against the hurtful lies of body shaming? That's where I got the idea for this post and I will be working on new ideas as well. My hope is to "connect" everything with the tag #FightBodyShaming. I'm by no means a mental health expert. I'm just a woman trying to encourage myself and my fellow ladies down a path of positivity, truth, and life.

Telling yourself not to believe a lie only gets you half-way. It's like telling yourself what you can't eat, but not giving yourself something to eat. You need something to replace the thing you're removing. Remove a lie, replace it with the truth. So rather than meditating on the things you don't like about your body or what you think is wrong with you, fill your mind with truth about you, your body, and your life.

The Bible has lots of great verses to help in this area, and I want to highlight a few that stood out to me. I want to meditate on these verses any time I'm tempted to think poorly of myself, and I would encourage you to do the same. The best way to counter internal body shaming is with the truth of our Creator. He made us, loves us, and wants us to listen to Him above all else. (All Scripture quotations included are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible.)

Proverbs 31:30 - "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised."

What this says to me: There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, but it won't last forever. I should invest myself and my self worth in what will last forever. I need to develop my relationship with the Lord and put Him first in my life. Knowledge of Him gives me the value I so desperately need.

Psalm 139:13-14 - "For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well."

What this says to me: This passage says so much. First, I am created by the God of the universe, every part of me He formed when I was in the womb. He decided what shape my face would have, my hair and eye color. To want to change myself is to wish away that which the King of kings designed. A small picture of that would be one of us creating what we think is a beautiful work of art, something we poured our time and heart into, only to have everyone tell us what we should have done. To truly appreciate what has been made, we have to appreciate what it is, what is there, not what is not or what could be.

Second, I should marvel at God's creation, and praise Him for what He has made. And, as uncomfortable as it may be, that does include me and you and every other person on the planet. Degrading ourselves or others is directly opposite of praising God. I need to transform thoughts of myself to praise, thanking God for what He has made.

Finally, the truth is, God makes wonderful things. I know it, I need to believe it, and I need to let that knowledge directly affect how I view myself. If God makes wonderful things, I am one of those wonderful things He has made. I'm defined by this truth, not by the things I see in the mirror, or wish I didn't see.

Genesis 1:27 - "So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female."

What this says to me: Not only am I a wonderful creation, as stated in the previous verse, I am made in the image of God. Just try to wrap your mind around that for a moment. Genesis tells us twice in this verse that we are created in God's image, so we know it's extra important. I can't really fit in this space what that means or the ramifications of such a statement. Men and women are a unique reflection of Creator God that no other part of creation can be. And it's not just our appearance, though that is part of it. We also have an eternal nature, a spirit. We are complex beings made in the image of an even more complex Being. How awesome is that?!

Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are His creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time so that we should walk in them."

What this says to me: God didn't arbitrarily make us because He wanted to design something cool and pretty to decorate the planet. He created us for a purpose: a life in Christ Jesus full of important and good work, that He prepared ahead of time. That means our purpose here was divinely orchestrated before we were even born. How amazing and wonderful to know that God has a plan for you and me. This should encourage us in the times where we don't feel like we're measuring up or being our best. God's plan and work are behind-the-scenes, and our purpose is certain.

Hebrews 10:24 - "And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works..."

What this says to me: I should be more concerned about others than myself. That is love, to give up my life and myself for others and the work of the Lord. If I'm primarily focused on what's wrong with me, I'm not focusing on the needs of others and I'm harming the community I'm in. What I need to do is get out of my own way so that I can focus on what's really important.

1 Peter 3:3-4 - "Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes. Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes."

What this says to me: I feel like this passage speaks for itself. It's not saying that there is anything wrong with beauty or clothes, hairstyles or jewelry. But it is saying that true beauty doesn't exist in those things. True beauty is defined by the Creator and what He values. Those things can be found inside the heart, along with the qualities of a gentle and quiet spirit. Doesn't that just feel calming and invigorating at the same time?

I hope these verses encourage you as they have encouraged me. I hope that together we can start replacing damaging lies and self-doubt with the truths of God's word. He loves you, wants you, and thinks you are the beautiful pinnacle of His creation.