The Outsider's Guide to Fitting In: Dating as an Adult

Someone really needs to write a manual on dating as an adult, because it's getting ridiculous! I attempted to find out if someone had by Googling a relevant phrase... the first link was for a page that definitely wasn't PG. I got out of that window quick.

So, if you're trying out the dating scene post-high school or college, here are some things you may want to keep in mind, in a "manual" written Elise-style. (If you're not dating, you can read it for laughs at the expense of all those branded "single.") It's sort of an outsiders guide because, let's face it, who feels like an insider while dating these days?

Meeting people is HARD
If you thought it was hard to meet people in high school or college where you were surrounded by your peers, it's even harder now. Your options for meeting people may include...

- The internet. This option can be terrifying and freakish all at once. Be warned, photoshop and photo stealing are common occurrences.
- Bars. Yet another terrifying option as most people in bars are either drunk or depressed. Or drunk and depressed. This really isn't the best option...
- Church. This is the dating mecca for all Christian adults. Be warned: people in the singles group will be looking. Hardcore. If you see someone of the opposite sex circling in for the kill, it's not because they want to be friends.
- Work. This is the worst place to meet people. If it doesn't work out, you're stuck seeing them again and again and again... Want to forget Joe Schmoe or Silly Susie? Sorry, you get to be cubie buddies forever!

Online Dating: The new "normal"
I cannot tell you how many people I know who have tried online dating, including myself. For some, it has worked well (I know a few marrieds), for others, well, not so much... Here are a few things to know about online dating:

- If a site claims to match you with people who are "compatible," beware. That's code for, "you may both say you love Jesus, and that's good enough for us." If you both like sports, well that seals the deal.
- Avoid anyone who is 45 and still living at home, that's not normal.
- Be very picky, you will find some people who are online because they couldn't get a date in real life.

What's a break-up?
Having a conversation about your relationship and how it's doing is a thing of the past. Now, prepare yourself for...

- When the person you're dating is ready to break-up, you will know because you won't hear from them. Ever again.
- It seems like the entire population has decided that it's easier to "drop it like it's hot" than set it down gently.
- Should you attempt to broach the topic of the break-up situation, be prepared to do it via text-message. It saves time and breath.
- If you see your former break-up individual out in public, be prepared for one of two things: acting like everything is completely normal, or acting like, "oh what's that over there!"

We're seeing each other
Terms for dating have totally changed, as you will see:

- Forget DTRs (Defining The Relationship, a conversation people used to have in olden times to clarify where the relationship was at), they don't exist any more. If you see someone for more than two days in a row, you're probably dating.
- No one likes commitment anymore. Now you're "seeing" the person. When you don't see them any more, you've officially broken up.
- You can call them your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they won't ask you to. So you better not let them hear you say it.

If you're a girl...
Guys have gotten a lot cheaper. Plan to pay, even when they ask you out. It's not even called going Dutch anymore. It's called expected. Also, be prepared for guys to expect you to do certain things. There's no such thing as "boundaries" any more.

If you're a guy...
Girls are really out there, so don't expect much to go unsaid. In fact, now-a-days, they ask you out, tell you where to go and what to wear. All you have to do is drag yourself there.

In conclusion...
Should you choose to ignore these facts on dating be prepared...

- To be shocked and dismayed.
- To feel utterly lost and confused 99% of the time.

Should you choose to behave differently than the whole of dating society, be prepared...

- To be called whipped if you're a guy.
- To not be in a relationship for very long if you're a girl.

Honesty is My Policy

I love having a blog for the express purpose of being able to post whatever in the world I feel like and not having anyone there to edit, censor, or tell me no.

Whatever in the world I feel like ends up being the same thing it always is: honest, candid, truthful stories, observations and thoughts from life. Sometimes I include confessions and secrets! (Juicy!)

In the end, I think everyone longs to be completely honest about who they are, how they live their life and how they see the world. But there are so many forces working against that, it rarely comes out. Most days we're just polished, polite versions of a person we consider to be socially acceptable.

My blog is at times my liberator from this polite and polished version of me. All I have to do is sit behind my computer, tap out a new post and all of a sudden, it's the oft-suppressed me making an appearance. My actual thoughts get a black-and-white voice in the electronic realm, unhindered by social acceptability and dirty looks.

Yup, I love this site. I love the people that read it and connect with what I've written. I love the drawing out of the inner person, the spilling of the secrets, the revelation of the hidden. Nothing to me is better than people being completely real and open, and I, thank goodness, have found one small way to do that.

I'm sure some people don't like what I write. I'm sure some think it strange that I'm so honest in my writing. That's fine, this blog isn't for them. This blog is for those who are, or desperately want to be, completely honest, even if at times they don't know how to go about it. Life is a process, so is revealing its intricacies; we're all learning.

But as grand and glorious as being completely honest sounds, it does have its dirty moments. Sometimes truth hurts, it rubs people the wrong way, it seems brash. I am fully aware that not everyone will like what I have to say even part of the time. But in my mind, the positives outweigh the negatives, and I'm willing to keep on writing in this way.

This is life unscripted, because really, who could make up this stuff? So much of what I've experienced, I never could have fathomed before it happened. There is so much humor, irony, tragedy and uncertainty. Mixed together, it makes life one interesting ride, and provides content for lots of interesting blog entries.

In closing, I have some more secrets, just like those that made an appearance in an earlier post entitled The Terrible Truth. Enjoy. :)

I hate trying to figure out if you're serious or just messing around.

Reminder to self: There are some people I should not encourage to start blogging.

Will you two just date already and spare the rest of us from your annoying banter?

Do you feel boring, or is it just me that notices?

I know there are certain things I do that drive you nuts. I can't help myself.

One word comes to mind when I see your "coupley" pictures: vomit.

I've tried to clean up my act for you, but there's only so much cleaning one person can do!

I read your diary once. I sort of felt bad at the time, but now I wish I had read more.

I can tell you think I'm scary. I guess I should apologize...?

I really can't make up my mind, and at the same time, I really don't feel like even trying to.

Okay, I'll admit it, I like it. Only sometimes though.

Some days I have to really work at being polite. It's hard.

I feel a little awkward when you just look at me and don't say anything. So I randomly stare at a wall or something.

You un-friended me on Facebook, which really doesn't bother me since you tried to get me in trouble in college.

The Outsider's Guide to Fitting In: Rural Iowa

I've lived a lot of places. Clinton has definitely been one of the more "unusual" locations. In fact, most days I feel like a fish out of water here. So I came up with this instructional post on how to fit in when you live in rural Iowa. (Yes, it is sort of a spoof, yet it is based on real-life observations and events that have occurred in my life.)

Appearance
You don't have to worry about your appearance in rural Iowa. In fact, it's better if you don't care at all. In order to best fit in, consider the following:

- Wear pajama bottoms and a hoodie whenever possible. If it's warm, daisy dukes and a t-shirt will work.
- You will fit in if you are wearing something that has the Iowa Hawkeyes or John Deere on it.
- Cleanliness is not essential. Showing up to any event with mud on your clothes is acceptable; it is, after all, a farming community. Also, there is no need to wash or brush your hair, but you can if you want to.
- Recycling fashion from the late 1970s through the 1980s is fine, so if you have clothes from that era, now is the time to bring them out.
- Bedroom slippers will complete your look.

Dining
If you like eating, you'll do just fine in rural Iowa. Since there isn't much to do in the area, eating is the best way to pass the time. Here are a few other rules to follow when dining:

- Fast food should be a regular occurrence. You should frequent places like McDonald's, Burger King or Taco Bell daily or every other day.
- Distributing snack cakes among your friends and co-workers is a good way to make them like you.
- You must frequent and support locally-owned restaurants. If you mention that your favorite restaurant is a national chain, beware. You may be subjected to uncontrolled outbursts and name-calling.
- Super-Size, Biggie-Size and Value-Size wherever possible. You cannot eat enough.

Behavior
Most times, being friendly is not necessary in rural Iowa. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

- Staring at people is acceptable, particularly as they are entering a dining establishment.
- It is alright to glare at people, until they wave at you, then you can smile.
- The only time to be very friendly is when walking past someone. Then you may say "hello."
- If you do say hello to someone, be prepared for them to look at you and say nothing back. Likewise, if someone says hi to you, it's okay not to respond. If you attempt to shake someone's hand, they may look at it and do nothing.
- Yelling inappropriate words and phrases is a common behavior among young folk. Being loud in general is good.
- Don't worry about social graces, you don't need them here. As long as you know how to say "please" and "thank you," you're set.

Sports
Some people like sports in rural Iowa. Others consider eating a sport. Either way, here are some tips:

- You must be a Cubs fan. If you cheer for anyone else, you will be ridiculed. You have to love losing teams with a passion.
- Other teams you should like include the Bulls and Bears. If not, you can get away with liking the Packers. Anyone else and you will be stoned.
- Since you can't get to any professional games in the state of Iowa, you need to have cable tv to keep up with what's going on. Posting Facebook statuses about this is also a good idea.
- An alternative to playing sports is drinking beer on a boat. The brighter red your skin is, the harder you played.

Entertainment
There isn't much in the way of entertainment in rural Iowa, so if you don't get bored easily, you will get by. Here are a few things you can do for fun:

- Cruise along the river-front in your car. If you see something you like, you can yell at it.
- Did I mention eating yet?
- Take in a minor league baseball game. If they're not playing, you can watch small children play; it's a good way to gear up for a nap.
- Watch the river. There are lots of places you can see it and it's always changing!
- Shopping is a good way to pass the time, especially hanging out in Walmart.
- If you like racing, you can usually catch a good street race on any given night. If you are lucky you may see a police chase, which includes lots of pretty lights and fast cars.
- You must like listening to country music. Otherwise, you will be disappointed in the available radio stations.
- Knowing how to stomp around and line dance will make you look cool.
- The best thing to do is get together with friends and get into some trouble.

Shopping
If you like Walmart, rural Iowa will treat you well. If you are looking for other options, here are some things to consider:

- There are lots of different types of specialty shopping parties you can have. You should attend at least 20 each year, though you may get invited to 50. These include Mary Kay, Uppercase Living, Lia Sophia, Pampered Chef, Scentsy... you get the idea.
- Kohl's is the fashion mecca of rural Iowa.
- If you like shopping at thrift stores, you can find lots of good used items. Sometimes they don't work, though.
- There are many little locally-owned specialty shops to choose from as well. Once again, you shouldn't tell anyone you'd rather shop at a chain store than a local shop, they may hurt you.
- If you want to visit a mall, be prepared to drive 45 minutes or more to get there.

Language
Of course English is the language of choice in rural Iowa. However, there are some things to keep in mind while speaking it...

- Use poor grammar and you will fit in! Some things you may want to try include saying, "I seen it," "ain't" and "don't got that." Feel free to make use of double-negatives.
- English should be spoken in high decibels. Most everyone in Iowa appears to be hard of hearing.
- Feel free to use all manner of "redneck speak." Slurring words together, mumbling, or talking like your mouth is full is acceptable. (Talking with your mouth full is fine too.)
- Expletives are common, but not necessary.

Transportation
The best way to get around rural Iowa is by car. This fact, though, is subject to a few inclusions:

- The best type of car to get is an all-wheel drive, off-road type vehicle, as you will encounter varying terrain while you drive through the area. Be warned, roads are not consistent and you may encounter loose or shifting asphalt, large cracks and ridges, and varying sizes of potholes.
- Make sure your car tires are outfitted with chains during the winter months. Street plowing is typically optional or minimal; therefore, you should be prepared to drive through all manner of sludge, ice and snow drifts.
- Don't spend a lot of money to get your car washed. The day after you get it cleaned, it will rain.

In conclusion...
Should you decide to go against these recommendations be prepared for any of the following incidents:

- Getting stared at like you have antlers.
- Getting yelled at or gestured at.
- Someone may ask where you are from, but for the most part, they don't care.
- Getting thoroughly ignored because, well, you just don't belong!

And the Inner Child Says...

After my last post, I've been in this "in touch with my inner child" frame of mind. Tonight, while watching "Hook," I especially realized this. (I also confirmed that Gwyneth Paltrow, as I suspected, does in fact play the young Wendy.)

"Hook" is one of those movies that embodies childhood for me in the way it makes me feel when I watch it. And who doesn't in some way cherish those feelings when they show up? Because (in case you hadn't noticed) adulthood can get pretty boring.

There's something about remembering a time that was care-free and wondrous. Where the world was a vast and majestic thing, yet something we stood on top of and commanded in our own little corner.

Pirate ships, Indian villages, trails West, Wonderland, were all things that existed, along with the other conjurings of our imaginations. Nothing was off-limits, nothing was impossible.

Somehow, Steven Spielberg always does a good job of transferring the feel of childhood from reality to the screen. He produces a visual representation of the things that often danced behind our eyes, only appearing in the chambers of our minds. He shows the intricacies, the small moments, the impossible actualized.

After watching "Hook," I had an urge to introspectively look back, to see if I could remember what being a kid felt like. All-in-all, it's quite hazy. I remember how big everything felt, how far away the future seemed and, perhaps unknowingly, how how entirely capable I felt. I never remember feeling like I couldn't be or do whatever I wanted.

That feeling is one I miss the most, the feeling of ultimate possibility. Because I hadn't lived long enough to taste major failure, success was almost certain at any given time. Life was about possibilities, and those were entirely endless.

Besides becoming cynical and jaded in the process of growing up, in reality, not much in life has changed. At any age, life still provides an endless myriad of opportunities and possibilities. It's the adult mind with its walls and structure that says "I can't." Sure, sometimes we pass it off as reality speaking, but is it?

I don't think it's always the adult mind speaking when people scale Everest or invent the automobile or fly across the ocean. The people who really do something with their lives, talents and education, are the people who don't make the child mind shut up. They don't close it up behind the rules of impossibility; they let it live among the endless possibilities and ended up discovering something wonderful.

And sure, there's always a balance between reasoning like an adult and dreaming like a child. As adults, we have to keep some semblance of order, structure and responsibility. But the crime is committed when dreams are executed by fear, worry and self-doubt.

I like "Hook," it's a reminder that grown ups can re-enter the vast, amazing world of opportunity we live in. All we have to do is reach out, take hold of it and simply dream.