A Real Love Story: Friendship First

This post is a continuation of the #RealLoveStory series in which I'm telling the truth about love, relationships, and marriage. As we're heading into a holiday focused on romance, I want to write about love in real life.

I die a little bit inside every time I hear someone dismiss a relationship because they're "too good of friends" with someone to start dating them. Whoever sold that lie should be forced to publicly rescind it. It was probably the same person who coined the terms "fall in love," and "follow your heart." These ideas have been misguiding people for years and it's time to make it stop.

I grew up hearing that you should marry your best friend, but I never really understood what that meant. It can be hard to comprehend something when you can't get a solid picture of it. Society makes love look like sex, romantic helicopter rides, and unreal moments that take your breath away. It's a pretty sad picture when you hold it up to real love. Sadly, real love doesn't get the representation it deserves.

The first time I finally, fully understood what "marrying your best friend" looked like was on a trip to Dallas to visit my best girl friend. She had recently married her best guy friend from college, a relationship that was platonic for a long time before it finally turned into a romantic relationship. That time of friendship set a solid foundation on which they could build their marriage. And their marriage was hands-down one of the most desirable marriages I've ever seen.

Strong friendships are the most underrated determinant for lasting relationships. The world instead likes to look to appearances, chemistry, and again, feelings. All things that are nice, but can and will fade with time. Friendship, however, spans oceans and decades, fights and family crises, beauty and pain. It is through friendship that we learn how to be there in the best of times and the worst of times. It's where we learn to give of ourselves for another, despite their deepest, darkest secrets and hidden wrongs. It is where we can know and be known for who we are right down to our soul.

Friendship is a level beyond romantic feelings and pretty faces. It takes us to deeper levels of intimacy than sex alone. It is stronger and more fortified than temporary attraction. I maintain that friendship is the singularly best way to build and form a relationship that leads to marriage, and this is why.

Friendship leads to knowing and understanding someone.

Who doesn't want to be known and understood at their core by the person they're going to spend their life with? Friendship is the gateway to truly knowing someone for who they are. Friendship often removes the barriers that we put up in romantic relationships because we're not worried about impressing anyone. We're just ourselves, and when a friendship forms, we're enabled to continue being ourselves because we know we're liked for who we are.

In my friendship with Nick, I felt free to admit to who I was. I knew if things ever turned into a romantic relationship, I'd rather he know about my past mistakes before things got too serious. I figured he should know what he was getting into. Having six years to get to know each other, we didn't have a lot of questions going into marriage. We knew we were like-minded on important things like family and marriage, religion and theology, life goals and expectations. It was an awesome transition to go from being long-term, close friends to being in a relationship.

Friendship leads to reliability and loyalty.

I don't know about you, but I am loyal to a fault to my friends. I don't care what the situation is, I will stick up for any friend who is being mistreated. I am always going to be on their team, supporting them to the best of my ability. Friendship teaches us how to consistently be there for someone, not just in the good times, but also the bad.

Having that as a foundation will absolutely help in marriage. You want to marry someone who will always be in your corner, loyal and dependable. You want someone who will show up, everyday, and fight for your relationship. Loyalty in friendship can be stronger than loyalty in romance, when feelings can fade and desires can change. Friendship can help you weather those storms.

Friendship leads to commitment and dedication.

Similarly to the point above, friendship compels us to remain dedicated to the people we are close to. There is a desire, not a compulsion, to remain a dedicated and true friend. That leads us to sacrificing some of our wants and desires for the betterment of our friendship. Friendship can help you stay committed to your spouse in the hard seasons when you may feel tempted to stray. If you can't walk out on a friend, you can't walk out on your spouse who is your friend. That close, friendship-level commitment can help you keep the vows that you make on your wedding day. The ones that go, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health."

Let's be totally honest here for a moment. Life can get boring. Marriage can get tiring. It's not always exciting and full of romance and good feelings. There are absolutely dry seasons where you're just waiting for something good to happen. There are days when all you do is watch TV on the couch in your pajamas and never see the light of day. In those times, you want to be spending your days with your best friend. You want to be able to enjoy life as it is, stripped of all the excitement and hoopla. Regular old life is still special when you get to spend it with your closest and dearest friend.

Friendship leads to acceptance.

Friendship teaches you to accept someone for who they are, not who you want them to be. There's typically no pressure to try to change for someone because in friendship you can simply be yourself. Granted, there can be times when you want to impress a potential friend, but usually that's not a solid, deep friendship. Solid friendships typically form around the people with whom you are most comfortable, and able to show your true self. These types of friendships enable us to be vulnerable, to open up about struggles, fears, and insecurities. They teach us how to be present, to care for others, and to listen, all qualities that contribute to a solid marriage.

Friendship is solid in the midst of trials.

Hard seasons and difficult times are often what rock marriages. And it's understandable, many of life's hardest experiences can come about during that season of life. It can be hard to communicate, to understand, and to stay strong in life's hardest times. A foundation of friendship can help you weather the impending challenges you will face. You've already learned how to communicate, how to remain loyal and committed, and how to understand your spouse. No, it won't be easy, but you can come out stronger as a couple.

Nick and I have only been married for a couple years, we haven't faced huge, earth-shattering challenges yet. But we have had to overcome some obstacles early in our marriage that would be tough for anyone to deal with. We had to tackle getting married, moving in together, losing a job, getting a new job, moving to a new city, losing two more jobs, financial struggles, health issues, and getting another new job, all within the first year of marriage. It was challenging most days and I struggled with identity a lot that first year.

I was thankful that Nick and I had already learned how to be there for each other in challenging situations. We had spent a majority of our relationship long-distance, which taught us how to communicate well. We had helped each other tackle different problems that sprang up in our lives when we were just friends. And with the time that it had taken for us to finally reach the point of marriage, we knew this was right and were ready to fight for each other.

I don't think our lives will be perfect from this point on. I don't think we'll be a perfect couple and never encounter marital problems. So please don't read that in what I've written. But I firmly believe that friendship, after God, has been the biggest factor for the good that has happened in our marriage. I want other people to experience the benefits of a marriage built on friendship, which is why I am and will continue to advocate for it.

Thanks for checking out the #RealLoveStory series! As always, I welcome your feedback and questions. If you have a topic you would like to see covered, you can suggest it below or shoot me an email.

A Real Love Story: Single and Sitting Here

This post is a continuation of the #RealLoveStory series. In this series I'm sharing the truth about love, relationships, and marriage around Valentine's Day. Today I'm writing on the topic of singleness.

I think I've come to my blog over a dozen times to write about singleness. Some posts have gotten published while others have been scrapped (mostly because they were too snarky, go figure). I think this is a sensitive topic, one that can bring a lot of pain, and also carry a lot of misunderstanding. I'm coming at it today with the following perspective:

First, I hated singleness. I was always on the lookout for a new relationship, vowed to never turn down a date, and even tried online dating on three separate websites. I always thought I would marry young. As a kid, I told my mom I was going to get married at 18, she told me I could marry at 35.

Second, I married "later" than the majority of my friends. I was one of the last in my friend group--at that point in time--to marry and I married at a later age than many people I knew. (For those who are wondering, I was 27.)

Finally, now that I am married, I think I can bring a unique view to the discussion as one who walked the road and can now look back on it. I haven't forgotten what singleness was like, and I haven't forgotten the feeling of married people talking about singleness. So I'm asking that you give me a chance to present my point of view as shaped by my experiences.

When you look at singleness from a Christian perspective, there are lots of different views and voices adding to the noise. Some people think singleness was the thorn in Paul's flesh, even though he elevated singleness. Then there are those who believe if you have a desire for marriage, you will eventually marry. Still others say that if you are called to singleness, it doesn't mean that the desire to marry ever goes away. Then there are the married people who talk about how great singleness is, that it's a high calling, an opportunity to be a better servant of God. But it's always hard to listen to them because they're married.

Here's what I know about singleness, the place where I've spent the majority of my life up to this point. Singleness is, at any given time, the hardest place in life to be. It can be lonely, scary, and depressing. It can also be liberating, fun, and exciting. It can keep you trapped in fear, or freed to pursue new adventures. Singleness can be whatever you decide to make of it.

I don't want to ever diminish the challenges and pain of singleness, but with this post I hope to encourage you. I'm writing what I would tell myself, if I could send a letter to the past. If I could just impart a little bit of wisdom to the me that a few short years ago was single and sitting there, waiting for something to finally happen.

Don't wish for someone else's story.

There was one girl I knew in college who had seriously the best  relationship story ever. It was perfect, from the handsome guy, to the dates he would take her on, to how he proposed. Perfect. I would constantly catch myself wishing her story could be my story. Wishing, as in praying to God to please, please, please  make something like that happen to me. I wanted her story to become my story.

Looking back on that, I can honestly say I'm so thankful that God said no to my desperate pleas. Because as good as her story was, having my own story is even better. And that's the beauty of how God works; He weaves together so many different stories for each of us, full of their own unique beauty and wonder. While we're walking them, they're often confusing and hard and we can't see an end to the pain. But there are little moments in life where God enables us to see a piece of what He's doing.

I love my story not just because it involves love, romance, and my husband, Nick. It also includes some really bad decisions, pain, heartbreak, and depression. But I can honestly say I wouldn't wish any of that away. It's what makes my life unique. It enables me to connect with people in new and varying ways. It enables me to relate to the struggles of life and offer encouragement. It helps me build up a community, to give of myself, and to hopefully encourage the people I encounter.

You have an amazing story and only you can tell it. Embrace that--flaws, disappointments, triumphs, and all. Don't wish it away, and don't try to change it. Simply seek to live it well and come alongside others who need to hear what you have to say.

Make the most of your time.

Some of my best seasons of personal growth came about because relationships ended. (See this post from five years ago for some of the details.) I was forced to become self-reliant, to adapt to real life and it's challenges. In those seasons, I learned a lot about myself as a person and became more independent. I refocused and reminded myself what I truly wanted out of life and where I wanted to go.

Singleness can be a great season to find out who you are and become who you want to be. It can be a time to take risks, tackle new challenges, and venture out on your own. You have the space and freedom to really do whatever you want to do.

I spent a lot of my singleness focused on the future: seeking new relationships and hoping for marriage. I was always expecting what could be waiting around the corner. The few times when I simply lived my life were truly sweet times. I wish I had focused on that more. I wish I had been a little more invested in knowing myself and my life as it was. At the same time, looking back, I'm thankful for that season of my life.

It's hard to appreciate singleness when we don't want to be there, or when we don't see an end in sight. My advice is, as much as you are able, look for ways to enjoy and make the most of that season, however long it may be. Just like Annie Dillard says, "How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives." I urge you to spend your days well. If you're not sure where life is going or where you should spend your time, seek God on that. He will direct your path.

Don't rush into marriage.

I feel like I've made this clear, but let me just state it again, I spent all of my singleness longing to be married. From childhood I looked forward to when I would finally get married. I was pretty single-minded in my pursuit of and desire for marriage. So just keep that in mind while you're reading this.

I am a huge supporter of getting married "later" in life. And not by choice, but by circumstance. When you experience something for yourself, you get to learn first-hand the benefits. And because I got married later in my twenties, I could experience and appreciate the benefits of marrying at an "older" age than many of my peers.

The benefits of getting married later, for me, included having time to really get to know myself. That helped me learn what I truly wanted and needed in a spouse. That helped me make better decisions when it came to relationships. It also helped me transition into married life when it came to expectations, hopes, and plans. It also helped me not look to my spouse to fulfill me or complete me, because I had time to learn that I was already complete and fulfilled in Jesus. I also had time to learn practical life skills, like how to pay rent, manage a bank account, care for my car, pay my taxes, and generally be an independent adult, not relying on family for help.

I'm not saying you can't learn or do these things if you marry young. I'm also not  knocking getting married young. But I am saying that if I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't change a thing. My marriage with Nick was, praise God, a seamless transition. I don't think that was completely due to our age at marrying, but that certainly helped. We were more mature, wiser, kinder, and more loving than our 22-year-old selves that had dated back in college. We had an understanding of ourselves and life that enabled us to move into a strong marriage focused on a common goal. (I'm planning to write more on our marriage, so check back for that later!)

Regardless of when you marry, I do want to advise you, don't rush into it. Take the time to discern (with your brain and logic over emotions and feelings) if the person you want to marry is the person you should  marry. If this is what God has for you, that person won't go anywhere. If you need an example, look at Nick and me. It took six years from when we met for us to finally realize that we were supposed to get married. Patience in relationships is never a bad thing and can lead to blessings down the road.

Don't give up hope.

If you are desiring marriage, I want to encourage you to not give up hope. I do believe that God gives us desires for a reason. I don't think it's sinful or wrong to want to be married. Just don't let that desire take the place of God in your life. It can be easy to put our wants on a pedestal and focus on them solely. Don't abandon hope, but don't make it your idol.

There's no quick-fix for singleness or marriage. People like to throw around little sayings like, "When you stop looking, you'll find the person you're meant to be with." Those are a load of garbage, sorry to say. There's no magic formula to ending singleness. In my experience, time was what it took for me to be ready and for marriage to become a part of my life. There were days I feared it wouldn't happen for me, but there was always that spark of hope. Don't stop hoping for the things you desire, you never know the moment they will enter your life.

A Real Love Story: Debunking Relationship Myths [Part 2]

Today I'm continuing my "myth debunking" in the #RealLoveStory series. If you missed part 1, you can find it here. I'm tackling some of the myths we believe or that culture sells us about love, relationships, and marriage.

I'm not good enough for anyone. (Or because of my past mistakes no one will love me.)

I don't have to know you to tell you that's a lie straight from the pit of hell. You have immense value and worth that isn't based on appearance, performance, or past mistakes. (Please see this past blog post for more on that.) Not only is this fact, but I know because I struggled with this myth for years.

I always thought there was something that made me "not good enough" to be in a relationship. Whether it was something physical that I just knew no one could look past, or a slew of past mistakes, I thought there was a good chance no one would love me. But over time I learned to accept who I am and I chose to learn from my mistakes, which changed me for the better.

This is another great opportunity to surround yourself with friends who will build you up and walk with you through difficult times. I had some awesome friends who lifted me up when I struggled with mistakes and helped me see that I could overcome them. And when it came to dating and eventually marrying Nick, one of the ways I knew he was the right one was in how he responded to my insecurities and mistakes. He didn't hold them over me or cut me down, but encouraged me and loved me with grace and kindness.

If I give into his/her demands, everything will be okay.

Um, no. First of all, if someone is pressuring you to do anything  that you don't want to do, that is wrong. They're not respecting you or your boundaries and that's not going to change if you give in. These types of people are typically manipulative, and can be really good at it. So good that you might not even realize you're being manipulated. But if you're at all feeling like you need to or should do something you don't want to do, that's not okay. It doesn't matter what you're being told (like, "If you love me, you'll do this"), you should never compromise your boundaries.

The truth is that the right person, the kind of person you want to be with, won't push you to compromise. He or she won't pressure you do to anything you're not comfortable with, but instead will respect your boundaries. What type of person would you rather be with, someone who accepts you for you who are, or someone you pressures you to compromise? Don't sell yourself short. Stay true to who you are and in the long run, the right person will absolutely appreciate that about you.

Marriage should be easy. (Or a good marriage is easy.)

I'm not one of those people who goes around saying marriage is hard. I feel like enough people complain about how hard marriage is, I don't need to add to that noise. But I also want to be realistic and tell you that marriage takes work. It's a fallacy to think that marriage is simple or easy or that you can just skate through. A good marriage take time, care, and lots of effort.

Think of marriage like a garden: the more time you take to care for it, tend it, and water it, the more beautiful it will become. It will grow, flourish, and thrive. But it's not without work. You'll have to remove weeds, things that will creep up in your marriage that shouldn't be there. You will have to invest time that you may want to spend elsewhere. And you will have to be vigilant against people and things that may want to harm your marriage or tear it down. In short, marriage is what you  make it.

When I find the right person, I'll always feel in love. (Or I'm waiting for a certain feeling.)

I was totally a feelings-based person for a long time. I put so much stock in how I was feeling that I would start or end relationships based solely on that. But here's the thing, feelings are always changing. Love--real love--is not a feeling, it's a choice. It's a decision you make when you find the person you want to spend your life with, you choose that person as the one person you'll love for the rest of your life.

When you enter into marriage, you make vows. In those vows you promise to remain with someone throughout life's uncertainties. I've never been to a wedding where people promised to love each other as long as they felt like it. But the sad thing is, that's how a lot of people act. I know a lot of factors go into divorce, but a big one is people claiming to have fallen "out of love." You don't fall in and out of love, you choose  to love or not to love. You don't stop loving someone just because one day you don't feel especially loving toward them. To stop loving someone is a choice you have to make.

This brings me back again to the fact that marriage takes work. Since love isn't a feeling, it takes effort to love someone. It takes time, dedication, sacrifice, selflessness, and sometimes hard work. It means putting more stock in your vows and decision to love than in your feelings or lack thereof. It means tending that garden of marriage, watering the grass where you are, not looking for something better on the other side of the fence. If you're not ready to do that, then you're not ready to get married.

I hope to unpack some of these topics further within the #RealLoveStory series. Stay tuned for more upcoming blog posts! In the mean time, if you have a question, comment, or myth you think I should tackle, send me an email or leave it below in the comments.

A Real Love Story: Debunking Relationship Myths [Part 1]

If you missed the introduction to the #RealLoveStory series, you can find it here. In short, I'm vowing to share the truth about love and marriage around Valentine's Day. To start, I'm tackling some of the myths we believe or that culture sells us about love, relationships, and marriage.

I think our view of love and relationships often gets distorted by the myths we buy into. We learn about love from those around us, and usually the loudest voices are the ones getting it wrong. Whether it's TV and movies or our childhood friends, growing up our sources on love aren't always the best.

Take it from me, I grew up on Disney and even that's not safe. I had two awesome parents with a strong marriage, but I wasn't there for the beginning. So I looked to the examples I found in the films watched endlessly. They were full of stories of beautiful people suddenly stumbling upon the person of their dreams, with whom they sailed off into the sunset. Ahh, romance!

It took me a while to adjust my thinking. I wasn't actively aware of my belief in the "Disney relationship," but over time I came to realize just how much it had affected my ideas of love. I was always looking for the beautiful, perfect person to complete my world and validate me as a woman. Thankfully time and some unignorable wake-up calls drew me away from that mindset and toward the truth.

I know I'm not the only person who has been fed a myth about love and marriage. No doubt our preconceptions play a larger role than we realize in how we view relationships. So today I want to take some time to debunk a few myths that I have believed or observed.

A relationship will complete me. (Or make me a better person, make me happy, etc.)

I think one of the most important things you can do before getting into a relationship or getting married is to know yourself, well. Because here's the thing, who you are before  dating/marriage is who you'll be when  you're dating/married. So if you're not happy with who you are, if you aren't complete as a person, or if you think you need to improve yourself, a relationship won't do that for you. It will simply magnify those issues over time. And they will come out.

My advice is to take time to really get to know yourself and appreciate the things that make you who you are. Honestly, that was one of the best parts about getting married later than most of my peers (even though that wasn't really by choice). I had time to experience life, to grow up, to learn some important lessons, and to become content in who I am, just me, by myself. It was a gift that I didn't ask for and definitely didn't appreciate until after I got married.

And after marriage, you don't go away. You're still you and you need to make time for yourself. Full disclosure: I had a mini identity crisis after getting married, moving, leaving one job and losing another all within a few months. The best thing I did was take some time to focus on and do the things that I loved. It helped me realize I'm still the same person, I still have the same passions, interests, and talents and I need to take time to do things I enjoy.

I have to find the perfect person and when I do, our life will be perfect.

I definitely bought into this lie (thanks again, Disney). But in reality, we can't expect anyone to be perfect because no one  is perfect. And two imperfect people together can't expect to have a perfect life. I think sometimes we get this idea that "happily ever after" is real and once we're married life becomes this amazing, wonderful thing. Don't get me wrong, there are some really amazing, wonderful aspects of being married, but life is never perfect.

Rather than looking for someone perfect, I think it's more important to work on yourself. Become the type of person you'd want to marry. At the end of the day, we can only change ourselves. And like the first myth, no one can make us happy by being the perfect spouse. So work on the qualities you want to possess and wait for someone who also embodies those qualities.

And since life is never perfect, I recommend choosing someone who will be able to take on the challenges and struggles of life with you. If life is challenging before you're married, it will be challenging after. Bad things don't stop happening, in fact sometimes they get worse. So rather than hoping for a fantasy land of perfection, look for someone who will support you, fight for you, and tackle life's difficulties with you.

I can change the person I love. (Or he/she will be different after we're married.)

This ties right in with the previous myth; unfortunately, you can't change anyone but yourself. So expecting that marrying someone will make them better, or that you'll be able to change them over time, is a myth. In fact, it's more realistic to assume that whatever you don't like about someone will actually get worse with time. I know it sounds harsh, but I think it's better to have a realistic picture of what marriage will look like than to enter it with unrealistic expectations.

The truth is, when you're married, you can't hide your faults any more. When you're dating it's easy to project your best self and try to mask your flaws. After marriage, you're spending virtually all your spare time with this person, you're living together, you're using the same bathroom and sleeping in the same bed. Besides not having the time and space to try to disguise faults, they're typically magnified by increased interactions, conflict, and problems that will arise.

So while no one is perfect, if there is a major issue you notice in someone, don't ignore it and don't fool yourself into thinking you can fix it. To be totally honest, it may be time to move on, because you should never convince yourself of the next myth...

No one else will love me. (Or I'll never be able to find anyone better.)

Two words: never settle. Ever. It doesn't matter if you think there's no one else out there or even if you've been told that, it's not true. If you know this person isn't the best person for you, if you're even a little unsure of whether you should get married, don't do it. At least give it time and don't make a rushed decision.

Culture and even the church has done a bad job of putting marriage on a pedestal. Granted, it is a really great and amazing thing, but so is singleness. There are challenges to both just as there are positives to both. If you're willing to settle just so you won't be single, I think we need to have a chat. (Also, please revisit the first myth.) Settling for someone who isn't right for you is a huge mistake. It will affect you in ways you can't begin to imagine and will lead to a lot of heartache.

If this is you--or you think it could be you in the future--I recommend surrounding yourself with friends who will speak truth into your life. There is no better way to tackle the lie of "no one else will love me" than by filling your life with those who know you and love you. They will lift you up and give you honest feedback on your dating choices. Plus their outside, unbiased opinion can help give you balance.