In All Things, For His Glory

I have avoided writing specifically about this topic for what seems like forever. I've shared with some close friends, but didn't want to write publicly because I didn't want "everyone" to know, to speculate, to assume. But I started feeling like now was the time to share more.

I think people get it into their heads that it's better to keep things silent than share. We'd rather project a carefully crafted image than reveal a weakness. But our strength lies in what is shared, rather than what is kept silent. We need to hear from each other; we need to know that we all deal with things, some of us, with the same things. We need community and communication over competition and quiet. We need to know we're not alone.

So that's why I'm sharing this--it is something I wrote in my journal back in November 2018. But now I want to put it out there, for those walking a similar road. And those who aren't, but who might need to read this anyway and know what another road is like.

I feel like God has helped me reach a good place on the "we still don't have kids" journey. I know that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to phrase it. It has been a culmination of many things over the years, but it all seemed to come together one Sunday during a sermon. I don't remember what Sunday, or even the topic, but I just remember feeling like I could let it go, like I wanted to just release the whole thing. I wanted to let go of the sadness, the anger, the disappointment. I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself, fully this time.

It's been a process, and I've had small moments of realization along the way. Like the time a friend announced that his wife was finally pregnant and I felt sad. As if that was some slight against me. And I realized I was missing out on experiencing the joy in life because I was allowing my sadness to consume me to the point I felt dead inside.

I decided I didn't want to waste any more time feeling sad. It didn't change over night. I still have moments where I feel sad. But I don't cling to the sadness any more. I don't wear it on my face, or call it up in the moments I see other people's baby announcements online. I don't live in it any more; I choose joy.

Another moment--or rather a collection of moments all combined--has been watching the drive to get pregnant consume people. Watching it become a relentless obsession for some, I knew I couldn't do it, I didn't want to become that. If I ran after something at all cost, I wanted it to be Jesus, not a baby. A baby brings joy, I have no doubt, but it cannot fulfill you. No person should have that place. And I knew I could become obsessed like that. I know I can fixate, I have every time I've wanted something. I can fixate until it consumes me. And though wanting to have a child isn't wrong, I knew the fixating would be. It could lead me down a road I did not want to travel, one where I could easily lose myself to an obsession with absolutely no guarantee of fulfillment.

A moment that happened more recently was a late period. I've had them before, and like some before, I took a pregnancy test which came back negative. Unlike other times, I had a split-second where I thought, directed at God, that it was cruel for Him to allow my period to be late. I knew it was wrong the moment I thought it, but I couldn't take it back.

God isn't cruel. Sin is cruel. Sin brings into our lives the pain, the problems. I didn't want to waste time thinking wrongly about God, like He was trying to torment me through this. He is the only hope and help I have at all times and in all things. He is bringing about good and His glory.

The truth is, I believe I will be a mom one day, but I think it will look different. It will be God-ordained, something that no one but He will bring to pass. I think it will be unique, something that can only be explained as an act of God so that He will get all the glory. I don't know when it will happen, but something else I've been learning is that God's story takes time. And it is His story, I am just a piece of it. But I get to be a part of it. I get to be in this story that He is writing, and I want Him to write my part as well.

I think that is something my college years and early 20s taught me. So many times I wanted to write my story, to decide the whos and whens and whats, because I thought my ideas were pretty great. I thought I could imagine the best story line for my life. There were also times I looked at my friends and thought that I would give anything to have their life and story.

I couldn't have been more wrong about any of that, but I didn't learn that until later down the road. It took time for me to learn and see that the story God was writing for me was FAR better than any I could construct. And looking back, really the only thing I wish I could do over is being better about trusting Him and waiting for His timing. Because every piece of my life--the big, amazing, important moments--have been God-ordained. They can only be explained as acts of God, things He has done.

All the things I've really wanted in life, the things I've longed for and craved, have come about in spectacular ways that only God can be given credit for. The first of these things was a sibling, and the story of Michael coming into our life is a straight-up miracle. We weren't even looking; God brought him to us.

The other one is my husband. I wanted to be married as long as I could remember, but my concept of marriage was so skewed, I really had no idea what I was wanting, or what marriage was truly like. And I don't think I ever would've imagined this marriage, it is so "other" than any concept I could have conceived, to the point that I can only credit God as the designer. Where I was so limited and simple in my concepts, He has brought depth, meaning, and complexity. Where I imagined the most human-centric dynamics and scenarios, He has given concepts and understanding beyond that, to a biblical, spiritual, and holy level.

No, on my own I never would have come up with an idea of a marriage like this. And through it, God has revealed to me a greater understanding of concepts in the Bible, of human dynamics, and why we were made for each other as male and female. And to be honest, I know I haven't even scratched the surface of godly, holy relationships. But what I have seen and come to understand demands that I praise, worship, and glorify God.

In all that I have learned, how could I not apply that to my desire to have children? How could I not allow that to shape my expectations, my wants, my plans? And if I am to do that well, I have to release it all to God, into His hands, into His care. He knows whose mother I need to be, and if, how and when it will happen. And that will be so much better than anything I could dream of on my own.

So because of that, I am releasing it all to Him. And I am releasing it because I want to be able to fully focus on where He has placed me and the ministry He has given me now. I don't want to waste time fixating, obsessing, planning, or feeling sorry for myself. I want to live fully alive in God's grace, for His glory.

A Queen's Broken Song

These days are heavy, and I've felt the weight of stories that have been told. I am inspired by the brave who have spoken out out, and they have helped me to craft something new. It's a little bit of poetry, a little bit of spoken word. If you want to read along while you listen, the text is below.

If you have been a victim, I want you to know, when you are ready, you can tell your story. It doesn't have to be today, or all at once, but I want you to know that there is a community that will listen and support you. You are not alone, you have a voice.



A Queen's Broken Song

I wrote this for the girls,

Even the ones I don’t know. 

Because I do know this:

It’s really hard to grow

And move past the pain

And speak truth to yourself

When all you feel is cheap

Like something thrown on a shelf.
   

"Be seen and not heard,

You don't have a voice,"

They've said all my life,

Like I don't have a choice.

As though I had no power,

Or purpose or goal

But in the quite moments

I was readying my soul.
   

To say it loud, join in with me now,

I’m a queen, I know I am.

A queen that’s worth more

Than just gem stones and glam.

A queen that’s respected

Who is given honor and love,

Not just by society or man

But God almighty above.
   

See He says I’m worth more

More than diamonds or gold,

Beautifully and wonderfully made,

Whether I’m young or I’m old. 

I am a queen, called by name

Given power and life

Given talents and gifts

Whether I’m single or a wife.
   

By this I’m defined,

Not by words or by deeds,

Or man's love and esteem

But by a Savior who bleeds.

Who calls me by name

And makes me His daughter

Because He paid my price

Like a lamb to the slaughter.
   

And now I’m redeemed,

Set free by the King

A woman of worth

With a song I must sing.

And a life I must live,

And a story I'll tell

'Cause I've only got one

And so I'll tell it well.

  

How people have tried 

Oh so hard to use me.

To take and to touch

And to make me to be

Something I know I'm not,

Whether by word or by power.

But something they forgot

In that darkest of hour,

  

Is that God walked with me,

More than a mile,

He's been there the whole time,

And He's seen what is vile.

He's felt my pain,

And my torment, it's true

That what was done to me

Was done to Him too.

  

Together we hurt,

Together we cried,

Together we lived,

Because One of us died.

Together we rise,

Together we stand,

I know that I'm safe

In the palm of His hand.

  

And I know that He loves me,

Which is why I can tell you,

Because of His grace,

That He loves you too.

And He wants you to change,

To become like His Son,

To leave your old life,

Because that battle is done.
   

The cross is what stands,

A reminder for sure,

That what is blemished 

Can in fact be made pure. 

He calls prodigals home,
Sets weary feet to dance,
And not just the good,
He gives each one a chance.
  
And that's my story,
A queen's broken song,
Made whole by the One
Who has loved her so long.
Made pure by the grace
He freely bestows
And now I can say,
I'm like a flower that grows.
  
More and more beautiful
Each day I become,
Not by effort or work
But because of the Son.
Because of His truth,
That transforms my heart
Because of His kingdom,
Of which I'm a part.
  
I wrote this for the girls,
And for the boys too,
For the men and women,
Because we all need You.
You change our lives,
You help us to grow,
And You love us more
Than we'll ever know.

Finding Grace

I can't lie--this season of life has been so hard. I've spent a lot of time, too much time, being angry. And now that the tides have begun to change, I find myself living in the aftermath. I thought I would feel relieved on this side of things, but I feel broken.

In this brokenness I see the wrongs that have been committed and I am forced to face them. And the more I look at the wrongs I feel have been done to me, I see the wrongs that have been done by me. I am forced to confront everything I believe about grace.

If you asked me what I believe about grace, I would tell you it's from Jesus, and it's for everyone. It doesn't matter what you've done, how far you've fallen, where you've gone wrong. Grace is offered freely. "Indeed we have all received grace after grace from His fullness, for the law was given through Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." (John 1:16-17) Grace through faith in Jesus saves us (Ephesians 2:8-9), I believe that with all that I am.

I believe that it is grace that empowers us beyond ourselves. It allows us to be used by God, even in the midst of our mistakes and sinfulness. It redeems us and draws us out of every pit we dig for ourselves. Grace surpasses every wrong we could commit. And grace motivates us to live like what we truly are--redeemed, forgiven, free.

But even with this grace so free, I see the ways we all struggle to give it away, whether to ourselves or to others. Somewhere in the midst of the wrong and the pain, we feel we have a right, a responsibility, to hold onto the wrongs committed. It doesn't really matter who committed them, withholding grace from ourselves or others is always the same--it's debilitating, and it's not our job.

"For Christ also suffered for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, that He might bring you to God" (1Peter 3:18a). Jesus has already paid for every wrong, He did that at the cross, giving us the ultimate gift of grace and buying our freedom. "Therefore, if the Son sets you free, you really will be free." (John 8:36) In this world starving for grace, it is a mistake to withhold the greatest gift we have been given, even to withhold it from ourselves.

I want grace in my life, every day. I haven't been perfect. I've made more mistakes than I can remember and I know on my own, I can't do anything good. But I also know that I can't be willing to offer myself grace and not offer it to others. I know that I believe grace and Jesus are available to all, and I can't stop sharing that.

This season of life has been hard, but it has also forged a new understanding of grace. I am thankful for it and pray that I will carry it with me always, giving grace freely as long as I live.