As sold out as I was for this whole moving thing... I sure hope I was sold out correctly. Some moments I'm not entirely sure I was, but others, I'm glad I got here.
The thing with life is, we want it all to go "just right" all of the time. We want it to work, for everything to come together, for there to be no seams, no cracks, no second-guessing. We want our idea of how life should go and we want it to happen now.
I am the walking example of the fact that life, at least for me, has NOT gone how I wanted it to go at all. I can trace this reality back to when I was 2ish, maybe 3. It's be a recurring theme since then.
I didn't get to date the guy I had a crush on since 7th grade, even though I had been planning on us going out when he turned 18 ever since I was 12.
I didn't get to grow up in the city I loved with my best friends. I got to move to Flint--aka, the Armpit of Michigan--instead.
High school was a complete screw-up, a nightmare that was definitely NOT "the best years of my life." Sometimes I think I'd like to do it over, other times, I'm just glad I made it out of there alive.
College did not go at all how I'd planned. A combination of me messing things up for myself and guys being... well Moody boys, contributed to that one. I wasn't planning on turning cynical either, though I'm glad I'm getting some feeling in my heart once again.
I never planned on living in Clinton, with all the memories I couldn't escape from.
And I never planned on moving to Colorado, though this is a welcomed unexpectancy. Now I just have to figure out, or wait and see, what's going to happen next. I shouldn't try to plan anything out though, because it probably won't happen.
So what am I doing here? Is there a job waiting, a future, a plan, or am I passing through again on my way to someplace else?
I know we're not supposed to really settle down as believers. This isn't our home, "we're just passing through." But I can't help but wish for a little place to belong. No, I won't be here for long, but a place to rest and breathe and be would certainly be nice.
Can I ask for that? Or is that selfish? Or silly?
One day I suppose everything will make sense. And all the little pieces of life will suddenly come together into an undeniable whole.
Until then, I need some direction.
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