Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Outsider's Guide to Fitting In: Being Single

Let's just get it out there now: I am single. (What? Did she just admit that in writing?!)

Yes, friends and random readers, the truth is, I'm about as single as they come. This has led to some interesting things over the years, which I was compelled to share in another edition of "The Outsider's Guide to Fitting In" (truth written in spoof-y sarcasm, gotta love it). This is for all you folks who haven't quite adjusted to the flashing neon label, or who won't have to because you haven't worn it since high school. Whatever the case, enjoy for your own benefit or at my expense.

Status: Single
You don't need to broadcast your relationship status on places like Facebook; it will get broadcasted for you. You don't even have to tell people you're single, they'll just know. So don't bother trying to hide it because you can't. It might as well be tattooed across your forehead which brings me to my second point...

You Need Help
Since you're a single adult, you must need help meeting people. You must be looking to meet people. You must want to meet people. People, as in people to date. And even if you think you're not looking, everyone else knows you are. So don't try fighting it, just jump on the band wagon. You're bound to meet someone great, like my cousin's neighbor's best friends' brother. He's single too!

We Have a Group For You
When you're an unmarried adult, you get to go to the SINGLE GROUP! (Freak out!) Yes, there is a special group for people just like YOU! Since you can't really relate to anyone who isn't single, you must spend all your time with this group of misfits. Don't worry though, the old marrieds will be making you some free dinners this week. Sort of an outreach thing...

So... What's Wrong with You?
Once you reach a certain age, if you haven't met the illusive "one," there must be something wrong with you. After all, most normal people meet someone and get married in their mid-to-late 20s. If you pass this bracket, people begin to question what your deal is. What's the issue, what's the catch? What's wrong with you?

Let Me Set You Up!
Besides the fact that you need help, people will be looking to set you up on dates. Beware the mom who starts talking about their single child, or the kid who starts talking about their single cousin. That's code for: I want you two to go out on a date. Beware, if they're older and single, there must be something wrong with them!

Have You Tried Online Dating?
"My son is giving online dating a go..." Yes, that will undoubtedly fix his singleness problem. If not, he can join the ranks in the single group and ponder what's wrong with him that he couldn't even meet someone on My only word of advice when it comes to online dating: Be very wary. And that statistic on marriages? So not true.

You Can't be Happy Single
You may want to argue with this. Don't even bother. You're not happy. You can't be happy. Everyone else knows, there's no way to be happy and single. That's why, as long as you're not married, people will be looking to set you up on dates, without even asking you if you want to be set up. That's because they know, you're not happy. They don't have to ask.

Old Maid Stereo-Type
Should singleness be plaguing you into your elder years, be prepared to become the old maid. Or the confirmed old bachelor, if you're a guy. You're not the fun, cool, unmarried person. You're dumpy, frumpy and just plain old. Life passed you by and now people will look on you with pity as they ask themselves, "I wonder what's wrong with her?"

In Conclusion
Should singleness bother you... don't worry. There are plenty of people out there willing to help you out with your problem. Oh, and have you tried online dating?

Should you enjoy singleness... don't. Remember, you can't be happy. Unless... (gasp) are you happy?? No way! Me too!
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