Lessons from the Crash Site

I'm the type of person that usually sees the worst in myself. I see all the times I get things wrong. I see my mistakes, my missteps, my unholiness. I think a lot of this comes from the way I grew up viewing God--that He was disappointed in me regularly because of my actions. Sometimes it's hard for me to see myself in any other way than where I've failed.

I'm thankful for the moments when I can see that God is working in me. Those are the moments I know I'm not seeing myself for myself. I'm seeing Him at work in me, changing my heart, and for that I am hugely grateful. I got a little glimmer of that this weekend when we got into a literal fender bender in the Costco parking lot.

There was an older gentleman who backed his SUV into ours. His was fine, but ours got a nice big dent in the front bumper. As soon as it happened I had this thought of, it's happened, our nice car has been damaged. And I waited for some feelings of anxiety or disappointment to set in.

I used to be a massively appearance-based person. I weighed most of my choices by how I would look, including in the areas of dating relationships, clothes shopping, and activities I would get involved in. It all came down to how I appeared. I thought if I surrounded myself with people and things that looked a certain way, I would subsequently appear how I longed to appear to others.

I wanted to look like I had it all together, like I drew in attractive people and had enviable relationships. I wanted it to look like I had nice things, a sense of style, maybe even some extra money. It's sad how my identity became wrapped up in something so silly as how I appeared to other people, never mind who I was underneath it all.

Thanks to the work of God in my life, I've begun to grow in that area. I've been learning about humility, thankfulness, and identity. But I fully expected--when I looked at the crunched metal of the car I drove regularly--to feel all those feelings of panic and frustration over marred appearances. But it was totally opposite, I didn't care at all. No one was hurt, it was just a thing. It was such a freeing feeling to not let the appearance of something affect me.

I don't know if God let the accident happen for that purpose or for multiple purposes. But I am thankful for the opportunity to see change in myself. I am thankful to continue learning lessons of value and worth, and what really matters. I'm thankful that there's hope to be found in the heart-changing work of Jesus. I'm thankful that He's not done with me yet.

Happy Thanksgiving: Why I'm Thankful for Waiting

Thanksgiving is one of those heart-check holidays. It makes you step back and take inventory of your thoughts, what you are truly thankful for. It usually forces me to come face-to-face with the juxtaposition of what I have and what I want, especially this year because I've spent a good chunk of time fixated on what I want.

The reality is I'm in a season of waiting for what I want. And waiting in our culture is seen as a negative. No one wants to have to wait for anything, that's why things like instant downloads and overnight shipping exist. Because we crave instant gratification and want things to come quickly and easily. But let me just put this out there: waiting isn't bad.

This year, I'm thankful for waiting. I'm thankful that I am being forced to wait because it isn't my choice, but through that, I am beginning to see the good in waiting.

I'm thankful for waiting because it gives me an opportunity to put my hopes and desires in God's hands, committing them to Him and not myself. I'm thankful for waiting because I can look with expectancy to how God will answer, how He will act, what He will do. I'm thankful for waiting because it produces the lasting joy of endurance as opposed to the temporary happiness of instant gratification. I'm thankful for waiting because at the end, I will give God the glory and not myself. Waiting forces me to realize that I can't accomplish this on my own, nothing good comes from me.

It's true that the best things in life are worth waiting for. I had to wait 12 years to become a sister, a long and lonely road on which I was mostly impatient before giving up hope. I didn't look with expectancy to God, I just assumed over time that the answer was no and I decided to stop hoping. I missed an opportunity to look to God's timing, glorifying Him for His plan and provision of a little brother.

I waited more years than I thought I wanted to before getting married. The longing to be in a relationship drove me to take matters into my own hands rather than waiting on God's plan for my love life. I wasted the years I could have grown in my relationship with God on numerous dates and dead-end relationships. I chose to ignore opportunities to look for God's plan and grew impatient in the journey. A time that was filled with frustration could have instead been filled with patient waiting for a story only God could write.

I don't want impatience and a fear of waiting to dictate my life or my choices. The reality is that waiting will always happen, but it doesn't have to be seen as something bad or burdensome. In the waiting we are also becoming, becoming who we are going to be in the next stage of life, when this waiting is done.

In singleness we are transforming into who we will be in marriage, a journey that can be filled with expectation, excitement, and once in a lifetime experiences. In growing families, we are adjusting to become the best sibling, the best parent or grandparent we can be for the new person who will join our unit. In other stages and areas of life, we are maturing, expanding, always becoming someone different, and hopefully, someone better.

For once in my life I want to take time to appreciate the process of waiting. I want to find peace in the midst of the uncertainty, joy in the hardship, and grace in the disappointment. And so this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the opportunity to wait. What are you thankful for?

Art: It's the Best Thing

So by now most of you have seen the shop that I opened on Society6, and if you follow me on Instagram, you've seen the daily drawing challenges I'm participating in. Pushing myself to get back into regularly creating art is one of the best things I've done lately.

 
Art has been a big part of my life since I can remember. I grew up drawing, painting, sculpting, taking pictures, and writing. I had a legacy of artists who went before me, including my grandfathers and my parents. I was surrounded by inspiration, and encouraged to pursue different artistic projects.

In high school I took pottery classes, art, textiles, and different writing classes that further fueled my love for creativity. I never thought of myself as a great artist, just a kid living life through a creative lens.

Sometime after college I slowly stopped doing a lot of the art that I loved. I began to forget what it felt like to make something, to enjoy the process of creating, to share my work with my family and friends. I think I lost the ability to appreciate the little things, to see the details and capture them.

Then last month I heard about this thing called #DoodleADayMay and thought it sounded like a fun project. Each day there was a different one-word prompt, what you did with it was entirely up to you. Forcing myself to make a new art piece each day quickly reminded me of why I used to love art so much.

It sounds strange to say, but I feel more like myself now. The little girl who loved to draw ponies and rainbows and live life in stories is back. I'm excited for each day, excited for the prospect of making something, of challenging myself, of imagining. When I'm not creating, I'm thinking of new ideas, wondering what I will draw next. And my art supplies are never very far away.

I'm thankful that God gives us things, shards of who He is, to use in this life. I know God is a master artist, a creative Being. His designs are before us every day; the veins in a leaf, the colors in a galaxy, the beauty of the human body. He took joy in everything He created, calling it good, and we, human beings, were the best. We are small representations of His image, and we get to share in aspects of who He is. I'm thankful that I get to make small shadows of the things He has created.

I'm also so thankful for the support I've received from all of you! I've already sold some items from my shop, and I've been getting such kind feedback on my artwork. It means a lot to have your support and encouragement!

You can always find my latest creations on Instagram and Tumblr, and find my shop designs organized newest to oldest here. If you like what you see, please share my shop with anyone else who may be interested! Also, there is FREE worldwide shipping going on through June 7!

The Thankfulness List

Honestly, I am not nearly as thankful as I should be for, well, anything. I focus a lot on saying thank-you to people, but as for living thankfulness, that's a different story.

I do think thankfulness is important for living a truly content and happy life. Which would explain why I struggle with being content with what I have. I often find myself wishing for things I don't need, and--despite what I think--am probably better off without. Then I end up sulking or feeling like I am somehow inadequate because of what I don't have.

So, what better time of year to work on being thankful than Thanksgiving? I'm glad we have this time of year to help us re-focus, if we choose to let it. And while I usually laugh at the fact that it's followed by Black Friday's consumerism craziness, I'm glad it comes first. There's some hope for us if we can focus on thankfulness before we hit the holiday shopping season.

This is what I'm going to challenge myself, and all of you, to do: Make a thankfulness list like the one below. Get really specific and list all of the things you're thankful for. Then keep looking back at your list. Let it stay with you and remind you of all that you have as we move into a time of year that is often marked by greed. I hope and pray that gratitude will stick with us throughout the year.

My Thankfulness List

I am thankful for...

• Jesus Christ. He'll always be at the top of my list, not because I want to be ultra-religious, but because I need him. I need him more than anything because his death and resurrection made a way for me to have a relationship with God. It freed me from the captivity of my sinful, selfish self, and gave me life. He is the reason why I am thankful.
  
  
• My best and dearest friend, Nick, who also happens to be my husband. We've traveled a long road, from being acquaintances to co-workers, friends to more than friends, then back to friends to long-distance friends, after years back to more than friends, fiances to spouses. He's always been there for me, putting me and my needs above his own, showing me what Christ's unconditional love looks like. I love you, Nick!
  
  
• My amazing family, which includes my wonderful parents, my awesome brother, my sweet in-laws and great sibling in-laws, two grandmas, uncles and aunts, crazy cousins and their adorable babies, and a cat and dog. It also includes some individuals who have made the journey to heaven, two of my unborn siblings who I can't wait to meet, and both my grandpas.
  
  
• This journey of life God is taking me on. Some days I really don't know what he's doing and question him a lot. But when I look back, I can see how he has used different circumstances to bring me to important places and lessons and people.
  
  
• My friends, near and far. I have had the pleasure of getting to know and befriend so many special people over the years. I am so thankful for how they have touched my life, challenged me and lifted me up in times of pain. I am so thankful for friendship.
  
  
• The seemingly "unanswered" prayers. I used to beg God for a lot of things I thought I needed. Looking back, I'm so glad he said no.
  
  
• Times of heartbreak. I was thinking about this the other night as I was falling to sleep. There were some different guys in my past that, at the time, I thought I would end up with. When things would fall apart, I would be heartbroken, but over time, God would mend the hurt. I'm so glad for those endings because they spared me from a lot more pain in the future, but I'm only now learning that.
  
  
• Talents and abilities. Not just my own, because it is so great to see what each of my friends is good at. But I'm thankful that God made me a creative person because I find a lot of joy in making things, in writing, in taking pretty pictures, and in reading a good book.
  
  
• Material things like a home to live in, a comfy bed to sleep in, delicious food to eat, a deck on which to grow plants, a phone to keep in touch with loved ones, warm clothes in the cold months, a computer to write on, coffee to drink, and books to line our shelves. We've been given a lot in this life.

What are you thankful for this year? I'd love to read your list, or even hear just one thing off of it, so please, share away in the comments! :)