Light in the Darkness

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by all of the things outside of your control? Like the weight of them will crush you under anxiety, fear, and despair? You want to hold on, to be strong, but the injustice and the hurt is like a gaping wound that drains your life away?

Maybe this sounds severe, and admittedly it is hard to put these feelings into words. But at times the weight of that which is unknown and painful is so heavy, it can be hard to see anything else. Like the dizzying after-effects of a slap in the face, we can be blinded to all else, lost inside our clouded sense of reality.

I've been here before. It feels like teetering on the edge of a precipice with nothing to hold onto. You know you are going to be pushed in, but you don't know what's waiting at the bottom. You're afraid of falling, of what it will mean. You're afraid of what will happen when you land, of all the pieces that will break apart. You are afraid of all that you cannot control.

I think Satan likes it here. On this edge of uncertainty he can convince me of many things, that I have much to fear because only terrible things lie ahead. Because all I can see is the chasm, he has me right where he wants me: in a place where fear of "what if" keeps me blind to "what is." In this place he can fill my head with reminders of past pain, and the thought that what is coming could be worse, much worse.

It is easy to stay here, it really takes no effort. All I have to do is stay immersed in the fear, distracted by hypotheticals, and anxious that I cannot control the outcome. It is uncomfortable, but easy. With me distracted by fear, Satan can chip away at many other things, filling my head with anger, doubt, mistrust. Whether it's real or not doesn't matter, if it's in my head, it's real enough to me. It is enough to consume.

I was in such a state already this year, distracted, fearful, uncertain, when my heart was pricked by a bit of truth. Like a tiny beam of light it pierced through my clouded and foggy mind to whisper, "but what about the truth?" What about all the things I know to be true? What about the one thing I can control?

I am like Eve. I'm made of dust and bone, and I'm given a choice. I'm not someone's puppet, forced to operate on command and do only what I'm told. I can weigh my options, I can listen to what I'm told, and I can make a choice. I can control one thing: myself. And in that, I can choose what voice I will listen to, what I will believe, and what I will do.

I know how the story goes for Eve. She chose to listen to the voice of the enemy. That voice only brings death, destruction, and heartache. It led her astray, to a place of deception, fear, and pain. I've read her story many times, I live in the wake of it. But regardless, I still can choose what I will do now. Will I follow the footsteps that lead down to death, or will I choose the path of life?

That day when Truth spoke to me, I turned, drawn to its light. I stopped looking at all the things I feared, all the things outside of my control. I looked at the Light, yes, that is Jesus, so beautiful and perfect, and I said, "That is what I want to look like. Make me more like Him." That is what I chose, and will continue to choose.

I am not perfect, nor will I achieve perfection in this life, none of us will. But moment by moment, day after day, I am given a choice. I am given one thing to control. It is not the people around me--however often I think I would like to control them--it is myself. And in controlling myself, through those choices and behaviors, I am able to embody my convictions. I am able to give life to the things I wish I could change, to the beliefs I say I hold. I am able to be an image-bearer, reflecting the One who made me, embodying Him to the world.

This is no small task. It is not lost on me how utterly impossible it is; yes, at times I will fail. But it doesn't mean that I won't try. Because if I am not fighting every day to obey Christ, to honor Him, and model my life after Him, who am I replicating? Myself? If so, and I am sinful, at the root of it, I am replicating sin. And sin does not point to the Truth, it points to the enemy. Sin is his business, and I want no part in that.

I felt challenged to share this piece of my story because I want accountability. I want you to know more of my heart, I want to share the ways God is teaching me, and I want to be challenged to follow through on my choices. I want to live my calling at all times, not just when it is easy or convenient, but when it is difficult and scary. I want to be actively involved in my faith, not sidelined by fear or pain.

And I want you to join me. I want to open up dialogue, to ask questions, and to search for answers. I want to find encouragement from like-minded friends, and to encourage those who may be struggling. I want to fight alongside others, rather than do battle alone, or worse, against each other. We may not always agree or see eye-to-eye, but I believe that in the kingdom of God, what unites us is more powerful and more important than what is allowed to divide. Through unity we can build, rather than tear down. And that is what we should strive to do: build God's kingdom for His glory, not our own.

If you're struggling on the edge of fear this year, I invite you to turn to the Truth. Let Him guide you into the light and change your life forever.

"Life was in Him, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness, yet the darkness did not overcome it." - John 1:4-5

"For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without favoritism and hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who cultivate peace. ... Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." - James 3:17-18; 4:7-8a

A Queen's Broken Song

These days are heavy, and I've felt the weight of stories that have been told. I am inspired by the brave who have spoken out out, and they have helped me to craft something new. It's a little bit of poetry, a little bit of spoken word. If you want to read along while you listen, the text is below.

If you have been a victim, I want you to know, when you are ready, you can tell your story. It doesn't have to be today, or all at once, but I want you to know that there is a community that will listen and support you. You are not alone, you have a voice.



A Queen's Broken Song

I wrote this for the girls,

Even the ones I don’t know. 

Because I do know this:

It’s really hard to grow

And move past the pain

And speak truth to yourself

When all you feel is cheap

Like something thrown on a shelf.
   

"Be seen and not heard,

You don't have a voice,"

They've said all my life,

Like I don't have a choice.

As though I had no power,

Or purpose or goal

But in the quite moments

I was readying my soul.
   

To say it loud, join in with me now,

I’m a queen, I know I am.

A queen that’s worth more

Than just gem stones and glam.

A queen that’s respected

Who is given honor and love,

Not just by society or man

But God almighty above.
   

See He says I’m worth more

More than diamonds or gold,

Beautifully and wonderfully made,

Whether I’m young or I’m old. 

I am a queen, called by name

Given power and life

Given talents and gifts

Whether I’m single or a wife.
   

By this I’m defined,

Not by words or by deeds,

Or man's love and esteem

But by a Savior who bleeds.

Who calls me by name

And makes me His daughter

Because He paid my price

Like a lamb to the slaughter.
   

And now I’m redeemed,

Set free by the King

A woman of worth

With a song I must sing.

And a life I must live,

And a story I'll tell

'Cause I've only got one

And so I'll tell it well.

  

How people have tried 

Oh so hard to use me.

To take and to touch

And to make me to be

Something I know I'm not,

Whether by word or by power.

But something they forgot

In that darkest of hour,

  

Is that God walked with me,

More than a mile,

He's been there the whole time,

And He's seen what is vile.

He's felt my pain,

And my torment, it's true

That what was done to me

Was done to Him too.

  

Together we hurt,

Together we cried,

Together we lived,

Because One of us died.

Together we rise,

Together we stand,

I know that I'm safe

In the palm of His hand.

  

And I know that He loves me,

Which is why I can tell you,

Because of His grace,

That He loves you too.

And He wants you to change,

To become like His Son,

To leave your old life,

Because that battle is done.
   

The cross is what stands,

A reminder for sure,

That what is blemished 

Can in fact be made pure. 

He calls prodigals home,
Sets weary feet to dance,
And not just the good,
He gives each one a chance.
  
And that's my story,
A queen's broken song,
Made whole by the One
Who has loved her so long.
Made pure by the grace
He freely bestows
And now I can say,
I'm like a flower that grows.
  
More and more beautiful
Each day I become,
Not by effort or work
But because of the Son.
Because of His truth,
That transforms my heart
Because of His kingdom,
Of which I'm a part.
  
I wrote this for the girls,
And for the boys too,
For the men and women,
Because we all need You.
You change our lives,
You help us to grow,
And You love us more
Than we'll ever know.

My Name Reminds Me

I used to be Elise Loyola. It was a name that got butchered most of the time. Elsie. Elisa. Leslie. Even Denise. And Loyola was hard for almost everyone to say, especially telemarketers. It was just a last name, like Jones or Brown, but it became a part of me. My name was tangled up in my identity.

When I got married, I couldn't let Loyola go. I would always be Elise Loyola in some way. So I kept it as my middle name, and as part of my identity. Because when I hear Loyola, when I see it written down, it reminds me of who I am. It reminds me of us--the identifiers, the family members, what has come before. It reminds me of the pieces that make up my identity.

Loyola reminds me of my grandfather. A man who came to the United States from Cuba by boat when he was 18. It reminds me that there are many relatives and family members I will never know. It reminds me that he once told me I look like his mother. It reminds me that we were once immigrants without a home or a place to belong. It reminds me that their skin is swirled within mine.

Loyola reminds me that while so many came here to pursue the American Dream, Grandpa pursued something greater. He had a Kingdom Dream, and traveled as an evangelist throughout Latin America, sharing Jesus with all who would listen. He spoke to great crowds, and in small tribal villages. It reminds me that a great sacrifice is worth the price. While the American Dream is temporary, the Kingdom Dream is eternal.

Loyola reminds me of my grandmother, who faithfully cared for my grandpa after multiple strokes left him disabled. She served him until his last breath, showing what unconditional love looks like in real life, with skin and bones. It reminds me of her joy, her smile, her dedication.

Loyola reminds me of the footsteps of those who walked before and left a legacy for me to follow. Grandpa was the first minister of the gospel that I knew of, my father was the second. Loyola reminds me of him too. A man who also has a Kingdom Dream, who has pursued Jesus with his whole life, keeping no part from God. A man who has served in meekness and humility, and in that way exemplifies Christ to me. I am challenged by these great men.

Loyola reminds me of my mother, a strong woman who has been faithful to the call of God, even when it hasn't been easy. Who has allowed God to grow and change her from the inside out. Who has faithfully walked beside my father and served alongside him. Who gave up her job to raise me and my brother. She is my example of how to live my life in constant pursuit of the Lord, surrendering many things for Him.

Loyola reminds me of what I want to become. I want to have a Kingdom Dream, to keep no part of my life from God. I want to journey wherever He calls, to serve faithfully in meekness and humility. I want to be a strong woman who gives all she can to pursue Christ. I want to leave a legacy for those I hope will follow. Whatever they are called, whether or not they are my flesh and blood, I hope Loyola reminds them of an identity they share. And I hope it reminds them of who they want to become.

Celebrating this Blog's 6th Birthday!

In celebration of Life Unscripted's sixth birthday, I am bringing you my tips for starting and keeping a blog. Since high school I've had about five different blogs, and this one has lasted the longest. So here I share what I've learned over the years with six tips for you.

1. Keep only one blog. This advice comes from personal experience after starting way too many blogs on different sites. Keep it simple and only have one place to collect all your posts. If you get bored with the way it looks you can always change the layout, header, and colors, even the name. This is why I recommend the next tip...

2. Use your name for the URL. When you're setting up your blog, you have to put in a name for it which also becomes your URL [web address]. I recommend using something like your name or an abbreviation of your name rather than a catchy blog title, just in case you ever want to change the title of your blog.

Before I stuck with "Life Unscripted" I had some different titles in the heading of this blog. It took a while to settle on something I liked, so I was glad the link was something more permanent, like my name. Of course I did get married later, but I've kept "Loyola" around as my middle name, so it still works. ;)

3. Write for yourself. It can be really tempting to write about things that will get pageviews, and sometimes the two coincide, but I recommend writing about things you care about first and foremost. Sometimes no one will read your posts and other times a ton of people will. Regardless, you should enjoy the subject matter you spend time blogging about. So whether it's politics, DIYS, social issues, or fashion, have fun and write away!

4. Make yourself write. If you're going to start a blog, you have to make yourself stick with it. Yes, we all suffer from writer's block and sometimes you'll be so busy you won't have time to blog. But in as much as you can, stick with it and keep writing! Ask friends for ideas if you've hit a wall, or take a break from long, serious posts and do something fun.

5. Connect with your readers. Readers are the best, especially when they interact with you! Don't be that blogger who doesn't have time to respond or ask for feedback. Make sure to reply to comments and ask questions [even off your blog, like on Facebook or Twitter]. Let your readers know you're listening and you care.

6. Try something new. You're already trying something new by starting a blog, so keep it up! Try writing about different things or presenting them in a new way. Create a post with lots of photos, make a listicle, share a Pinterest board, use Storify to create a story, make a Polyvore board, post a video, write a project how-to. You don't have to sit down and write 20 paragraphs each time. Switching it up will keep things interesting, for you and your readers.

Now add a tip! What are some of your tips for blogging? Do you have any suggestions or rules you stick to? What advice would you share with a first time blogger? Put your tips in the comments!

Getting to Know Nora: My Blue Heaven

Last week I wrote about a new project I'm starting, "Getting to Know Nora," a look at the films Nora Ephron wrote and/or directed. This week I watched the first film of the project, "My Blue Heaven."

I hadn't seen "My Blue Heaven" (MBH) before, and my past experience with Nora Ephron films has been limited to the romantic comedy genre. While this was definitely a comedy, and somewhat romantic, it felt different from Nora's films I've fallen in love with. (Think "Sleepless in Seattle" and "You've Got Mail.")

Initially I wasn't sure what to make of this cast of characters. Steve Martin as an over-the-top Italian mobster, Rick Moranis as a vanilla FBI agent. How was this going to work? But as the film went on, I started to appreciate it more and more.

Nora Ephron had a knack for finding humor in real life situations that real people could and do find themselves in. As I watched MBH, I couldn't help but picture this story happening somewhere, sometime, in real life. I could imagine that these characters, although slightly embellished, had really existed in Nora's life, and that she drew from them to make this movie.

Nora also calls her actors to commit 100 percent to their characters. There's no half-way, it's all or nothing. Sometimes actors seem like the same character in movie after movie. Nora's actors have to evolve, they have to buy into their character and then sell the story so well that the viewer forgets who they are and sees only the character. And then as the viewer, you once again start to believe that this character could actually exist.

I also appreciate that Nora paints a picture of people who fully embrace their lives and the situations they experience. It's a great challenge for us as viewers. Would we embrace our lives like these characters? Would we grab life with both hands and merengue our way through it? Would we be willing to take chances for something amazing? I love that her characters are sold on where they are.

Nora wasn't only a writing genius, she was also a comic genius. She knew what would make viewers laugh, whether it was a humorous quote, a relatable blunder, or a ridiculous conversation. This movie made both Nick and I laugh out loud.

I think this was a great place to start with the project. I'm thinking for the next film I'll go with one I own, just to give me time to find one I don't. Next up I'll be re-watching and note-taking on "Sleepless in Seattle." Usually I like to watch it around Christmas time, but I think it will be good to go with that next. I hope you'll join me! In the mean time, if you've seen MBH, what are your thoughts on the writing/characters/storyline? Do you agree with my thoughts or think they're totally crazy? Leave me a comment! :)

Getting to Know Nora: A Project

When people used to ask me what my favorite movie was, I had a hard time picking. There was my "Black Stallion" phase, my "Lord of the Rings" obsession, and my "Never Been Kissed" addiction. There are so many good films, it's difficult to pick just one favorite. But lately, I think I've got it pretty narrowed down.

My favorite movie is "You've Got Mail," hands down. It hasn't always been the top favorite, but it's grown on me over time as I've come to appreciate its excellence in casting, setting, and most of all, in its writing.

"You've Got Mail" was written and directed by the late, talented Nora Ephron, who I am convinced was a writing genius. The dialogue in the movie is perfect--witty, quotable, thoughtful, melodious, and carefully crafted. I've always sort of marveled at it because writing dialogue is, at times, a struggle for me. At least dialogue that flows and feels natural. Nora makes it seem easy and at the same time, it feels like she spent time carefully choosing each word.

So the other night I was watching a different Nora Ephron film, "Julie and Julia," and I got to thinking about a couple things. First, I was thinking about Nora's writing skills again and how I have seen a shamefully small number of her movies. I decided I needed to work on that. Then, I got an idea from the premise of the movie, in which the main character Julie blogs about her experiences in cooking her way through Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" cookbook.

I decided I should blog my way through each of the movies Nora wrote and/or directed. This will force me to do more than sit there and think about her writing, but to also write about it. I want to look for her style, what makes her writing memorable, and what we as a movie-loving culture lost when she passed away. I won't be looking to review the movies themselves as none are new. (I also cannot vouch for or be held responsible for the content or ratings of the movies.)

If this project sounds utterly ridiculous, feel free to skip these entries. But if it sounds interesting, or if you share an appreciation for Nora Ephron flicks, I would love it if you joined me. I'll be watching each of the movies from the list below in no particular order because I don't know how long it will take me to acquire some of them. (Others I own, bet you can guess at least one!) For the films I've seen, or practically memorized, I will be re-watching them with the intent of pulling new observations from them.

I'll be starting off with "My Blue Heaven," which Nick rented for me after I shared this idea with him. When I post my response to it, I'll share the next movie I'll be watching. That way if you're really excited and want to watch along, you'll have some forewarning. ;)

Films I'll be watching include the following [check mark indicates the film has been viewed/blogged about]:

Silkwood

Heartburn

Cookie

When Harry Met Sally

✓ My Blue Heaven

This is My Life

Sleepless in Seattle

Mixed Nuts

Michael

You've Got Mail

Hanging Up

Lucky Numbers

Bewitched 

Julie and Julia

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, now or in the future. Lame idea? Kind of cool? Agree Nora's kind of a genius? Or maybe just think I'm crazy? Whatever it is, leave it in the comments and I'll get back with you. :)

Guest Blogging at Lindsi Rian Photography

I'm excited to announce that I'm now a guest blogger over at Lindsi Rian Photography! I'll be writing posts for publication every first and third Tuesday of the month, focusing on wedding planning.

I would love if you followed along, and as always, gave input! Since I'll be sharing tips and tricks about wedding planning, I know you bride readers will have some to share.

You can also check out some of my past wedding planning posts here on the blog!

Read by Topic:

Find all my guest posts for Lindsi below. I'll continue to add links as posts become available.

>> Meet Elise, our new guest blogger! | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> The DIY Bride | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> First Things First | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> Booking Your Vendors | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> Wedding Attire & The Honeymoon | Tips and Tricks Tuesday 
>> Odds & Ends | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> We're Going DIY | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> Getting the Down-Low to Your Guests | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> DIY: Decorative Paper Fan Circles | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> #PhotoOp | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
>> Little Personal Touches | Tips and Tricks Tuesday
 

Contributing to The Dead Church Movement

I'm excited to tell you all about another opportunity I have been given to be a guest writer! This time, I'm teaming up as a contributor with my friend Jordan Santos and his site, The Dead Church Movement.

The site is an excellent resource for churches and Christian believers as it seeks to wake up the sleepers in our generation--those who call and believe themselves to be Christians, but are not. There are lots of great blog posts covering important topics from the church and legalism to tolerance and discipline.

My first post, Beauty in the Body, was published today! It is a church-centric spin-off article from my last blog post, Life Lessons and Confessions of an Ugly Girl. It takes the themes of that post--appearance, beauty, worth, and value--and dissects them under a biblical view for the church. It may seem like a post just for women, but I wrote it broadly for all church members and leaders. I'd urge everyone to read it as it may encourage you, and provide a glimpse into the needs and desires of others.

I'm looking forward to continuing to contribute to The Dead Church Movement and I would love to hear your thoughts/feedback. If you read the piece, what struck you about it? Did you learn something or consider something you hadn't before? What do you think could be added? What types of things would you like me to write about? I value your opinions and love to hear from you!

A Mini-Milestone: 25,000 Views!

Today Life Unscripted rolled over 25,000 all-time views! I am now taking a brief moment to celebrate and throw confetti. ;)

In the grand scheme of things, 25,000 pageviews might not seem like all that much, especially when you start comparing it to other sites. (But who likes comparing? It makes you feel like crap.) However, to me it represents 25,000 times lots of someones decided to read my little blog, and that is exciting.

I know some days, I write about fluff, or how to do something crafty or I share a recipe to try. But to me, that's not all blogging is about. Sure, it's fun and silly at times, but I think it carries a responsibility too. Blogging is a platform to get a message out, to have people stop and listen, to tell them something they might not otherwise hear, and to hope it makes an impact. The biggest waste of blogging, in my opinion, is to have thousands of followers and millions of pageviews, but never get past outfits and cookies and DIY projects. To never go deeper is to miss out on a huge opportunity to share something amazing with someone (or lots of someones) who may need to hear it.

Through the years I've included heavier topics along with the light, fun ones. And today, in celebration of the milestone, I'm looking back at some of the posts that weren't so fun to write, that took effort and guts and heartache. These are the posts that to me, really meant something. Something more than clicks and pageviews. They are my heart on a page, a story I am thankful I can share, I message that I want to spread, and I look forward to writing more.

From the Top 10 Most-Read Posts: What I Learned From... Unknowingly Befriending a Sex Offender
This post was important to me because it was an opportunity to share a vital message of protection and safety for children. I learned some important things through my experience and I wanted to make sure I shared the lessons, hoping to spare at least one child from harm.

From the Top 10 Most-Read Posts: Life Right Now: What I'm Learning About Plans and Faith
Sometimes lessons are hard to learn, sometimes they hurt. Heck, sometimes life hurts. I was so glad to be able to share my life and lessons I was learning through this post last year. And I was thankful for the support of those around me. [This follow-up post was an honest look at how I was dealing with the changes a few months later, and a message I needed to hear.]

From the Top 10 Most-Read Posts: How 7 Words Should Shape Youth Ministry and the Church
Two topics that make people cringe: sex and church, now together. So this post wasn't just about sex, but I did talk about the subject of premarital teen sex in this post. I was so sick of hearing all the wrong things people thought the church should do with this issue, and thus, this post was born.

Judgement, Planks and One Universal Truth & Accountability, Trees and Hope for Messed Up People
These posts turned into a two-part series looking at touchy "Christian-y" topics like judgementalism and accountability, two things that sometimes seem to be the same but are so vastly different. One, judgementalism, isn't our job. The other, accountability, absolutely is our job, along with finding the line between the two.

When You Believe Every Human Life is Sacred
This post didn't just talk about the issue of abortion, it was about the entire issue: the sanctity of every human life. Because if you look at history, the issue started small, but steadily grew into what we encounter today. And until we go back to the most basic level, things will never change.

And a few more:
Life Revelations, A Few Years Later
The Descent
We Run the World
For the Extremely Driven

Thank you, friends, family, and random readers, for your love and support over the years, and for reading these words in my little corner of the world!

A Decade of Blogging: Who I Was to Everyone Else

Yesterday I went on a hunt to dig up my old blogs. I have this weird thing where I like to go back and read what I used to write about. It reminds me of who I was, where I've been and how much I've changed. In doing so, I realized I have now been blogging for 10 years. I really can't believe this has been going on for so long.

I basically grew up on blogs. They were a magical place where I could post a jumbled mix of emotions and thoughts and sometimes people would respond and sometimes they wouldn't.

My first blog was set up on LiveJournal in 2003 by my best friend at the time. And actually, all its embarrassing content is still floating out there in cyberspace. I used it mostly through 2004 before making the switch to Xanga, the blog everyone was using. It was sort of like a precursor to Facebook in some ways and a perfect place for me to log my college era angst. That blog is no longer living, as I found Xanga 2.0 is on its way. But thanks to the technology wizards, I was able to download all of my old posts and begin importing them into WordPress. (And yes, I am doing that. I couldn't bear to lose a little piece of my life. So now I have WordPress.) Then, sometime in 2006 I decided I needed a new LiveJournal blog, why I don't know, but it became even more angsty than Xanga. It was home to a lot of relationship drama-related rants, and still lives today. Last, I started this blog late in 2008. I think it started as an attempt at writing a column- and current events-style blog and morphed into the catch-all that it is today. I can safely say I am not planning on starting a new blog any time soon. :)

Looking back, I always liked the way blogs enabled me to connect with people on a different level. I'm sure some would say it's an impersonal way to connect, but I'd argue it can be very personal. At times my friends and I were writing our deepest, darkest thoughts, things we could only admit while safely tucked behind our computer screens. It gave just enough anonymity to provide boldness, but enough identity for people to know who we really were. And I think that's what we wanted, to be known as our truest selves.

I was the honest, sensitive learner. I was always trying to understand the things that were happening in my life, wrestle with those things I couldn't understand or control, and admit exactly where I was in life. It was my voice when I couldn't speak a word. Sometimes blogging was about celebrating life and sometimes it was about the fight to keep my head above water. Sometimes it was lighthearted and filled with random quotes. Sometimes it was bleak, lonely and filled with questions. But no matter what it was, it always managed to do one thing: bring me together with people who said they felt the same, and that was the best part about blogging.

I'll never forget how it feels to finish a post and have someone tell me that I put words to their feelings, or that they're going through the same thing or that they understand where I'm at. It's the sort of connection you don't always find in everyday life. It's the kind of connection that happens in the moments when you have to be still, quiet, and think. You can't finish someone else's sentences, you can't interrupt the moment. You can only write and read.

After being a journaler since I was seven, there's definitely something different and sometimes better about blogging. When I go back and read a journal, I see who I was to myself. When I go back and read a blog, I see who I was to everyone else. I see a part of me that sought to be known and understood, that sought to wrestle through life with friends by my side. And I see the responses. Sometimes simple comments, sometimes emotional reflections, each special in their own way. And then I'm glad I was a blogger. I'm glad I can go back and re-read those moments where I grew up.

When They Say I Have a Gift

"You really have a gift for writing," he said.

When someone tells me I have a gift for writing, I feel happy and terrible at the same time. Happy, because someone thinks I write well and likes to read what I have to say. Terrible because of what it's usually followed by, a question, and its answer.

"Are you still writing?"

"Sort of... I keep a blog, sometimes," I mutter, then proceed to feel even more terrible.

If it really is a gift, then I really am wasting it. It's spent on text messages, 140 characters comprising a "tweet" and Facebook posts which may garner a few mouse clicks from friends. And when I get around to it, a half-hearted attempt here, on my humble little blog, which may reach 40 people if I'm lucky.

"Well, life does get busy, especially when you're planning a wedding, and that's important," he helps out.

Yes, busy. Life is busy.

I nod, but I don't like that excuse as I roll it around in my brain. I should be doing more. I should be writing more.

Writing has been my life since I can remember. And not always the written-down type writing. Most days I just told stories in my head to chase away loneliness or boredom. The written-down stories were scribbled with poor penmanship and terrible spelling in my journals, and later typed on a 90s Macintosh computer.

Sometimes nostalgia hits and I pull out a journal or start up the old Mac to read bits of the past. I used to write about everything--families, aliens, a horse ranch, historical fiction, poetry, bears, and of course, my real life.

I miss those days. I miss having endless hours to create a story, lose myself in it, and surface later to examine the world around me for useable subjects. Anything could trigger an idea, anything could become part of a story.

Sometimes I still look at life that way, a series of subjects, plots, characters and settings. The pictures in front of me easily paint themselves into a story brewing in my mind. But just as quickly as they appear, they are wiped away by the real world problems of the day. Adult responsibilities usually take first priority in all situations. Work, meetings, meals, activities, they replace writing so quickly and effortlessly that storytelling is easily forgotten.

And yet, I always have to come back to it.

I recently told my mom that I usually find I can best express myself through writing. Anytime something big happens, or something important is on my mind, I start up my computer and come here. I type feverishly until something makes sense. Then if it is worthy of living, I click publish and wait. I wait to see if anyone else feels the same, understands what I am saying and why. And I wait for that feeling of satisfaction, that I created something, and didn't forget how to write coherently.

I long for those endless, empty days that I could fill with writing and creating. But even without them, I must press on, for the sake of my soul and the hunger within it, I must keep writing. Even if it is just simple musings, 140 characters or a story that never makes it onto the page. Perhaps one day something substantial will come out of all of this striving, something coherent and beautiful, a gift.