A Queen's Broken Song

These days are heavy, and I've felt the weight of stories that have been told. I am inspired by the brave who have spoken out out, and they have helped me to craft something new. It's a little bit of poetry, a little bit of spoken word. If you want to read along while you listen, the text is below.

If you have been a victim, I want you to know, when you are ready, you can tell your story. It doesn't have to be today, or all at once, but I want you to know that there is a community that will listen and support you. You are not alone, you have a voice.



A Queen's Broken Song

I wrote this for the girls,

Even the ones I don’t know. 

Because I do know this:

It’s really hard to grow

And move past the pain

And speak truth to yourself

When all you feel is cheap

Like something thrown on a shelf.
   

"Be seen and not heard,

You don't have a voice,"

They've said all my life,

Like I don't have a choice.

As though I had no power,

Or purpose or goal

But in the quite moments

I was readying my soul.
   

To say it loud, join in with me now,

I’m a queen, I know I am.

A queen that’s worth more

Than just gem stones and glam.

A queen that’s respected

Who is given honor and love,

Not just by society or man

But God almighty above.
   

See He says I’m worth more

More than diamonds or gold,

Beautifully and wonderfully made,

Whether I’m young or I’m old. 

I am a queen, called by name

Given power and life

Given talents and gifts

Whether I’m single or a wife.
   

By this I’m defined,

Not by words or by deeds,

Or man's love and esteem

But by a Savior who bleeds.

Who calls me by name

And makes me His daughter

Because He paid my price

Like a lamb to the slaughter.
   

And now I’m redeemed,

Set free by the King

A woman of worth

With a song I must sing.

And a life I must live,

And a story I'll tell

'Cause I've only got one

And so I'll tell it well.

  

How people have tried 

Oh so hard to use me.

To take and to touch

And to make me to be

Something I know I'm not,

Whether by word or by power.

But something they forgot

In that darkest of hour,

  

Is that God walked with me,

More than a mile,

He's been there the whole time,

And He's seen what is vile.

He's felt my pain,

And my torment, it's true

That what was done to me

Was done to Him too.

  

Together we hurt,

Together we cried,

Together we lived,

Because One of us died.

Together we rise,

Together we stand,

I know that I'm safe

In the palm of His hand.

  

And I know that He loves me,

Which is why I can tell you,

Because of His grace,

That He loves you too.

And He wants you to change,

To become like His Son,

To leave your old life,

Because that battle is done.
   

The cross is what stands,

A reminder for sure,

That what is blemished 

Can in fact be made pure. 

He calls prodigals home,
Sets weary feet to dance,
And not just the good,
He gives each one a chance.
  
And that's my story,
A queen's broken song,
Made whole by the One
Who has loved her so long.
Made pure by the grace
He freely bestows
And now I can say,
I'm like a flower that grows.
  
More and more beautiful
Each day I become,
Not by effort or work
But because of the Son.
Because of His truth,
That transforms my heart
Because of His kingdom,
Of which I'm a part.
  
I wrote this for the girls,
And for the boys too,
For the men and women,
Because we all need You.
You change our lives,
You help us to grow,
And You love us more
Than we'll ever know.

Dressember 2017: My Story

When I first heard about Dressember, I knew I had to be involved. Fighting to end slavery and promote human dignity in a simple, yet meaningful way was something I could support. It was something I could do in the midst of an issue that can feel insurmountable. After all, speaking out wasn't a new concept for me.

I hated high school for lots of reasons, one being the times I found myself trapped in situations I couldn't escape. I experienced severe anxiety and powerlessness under the hands and voices of a couple of classmates. Classmates who were bigger and stronger than me, who would make obscene comments about my body, touch me inappropriately, or tell me that they were going to rape me. You can't get away when you have to stay in school, when they're in the classroom sitting next to you, and when your teacher doesn't notice. Meanwhile your mind tries to make sense of it all, telling you it's somehow okay, somehow not as bad as it seems.

Those days were dark. I felt cheap, broken, and invisible to the rest of the world. When I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents, I could barely put to words what had happened. My mind still tried to make it okay, excusable, normal. We reported the physical incidents to authorities, went to court, went home, and that was pretty much it. It took time for me to understand and come to a place where I could declare to myself that it wasn't okay, and that I wouldn't stand for that kind of treatment again. But in my teenage mind, I felt anything but powerful.

However, after it was all over, I did feel a measure of pride. Pride in myself, that I was able to do something. That I was able to tell, and that people believed me. Pride that I could walk into that courtroom, hear the plea and verdict, and know that what happened really wasn't okay, excusable, normal. Pride at the knowledge that maybe another girl wouldn't experience what I had experienced if this behavior was stopped.

It's been a long time since high school. In some ways, I still carry the scars, and the memories will never leave. But today I feel not only a measure of pride, but also power. Power that enables me to rise above that experience and use it to fight for other girls. They're girls I'll probably never meet, never see their faces, or know their stories. But that's okay, because they could be any one of us. Evil preys on all people without regard for who they are, where they live, what they do, or how they dress. That's why those of us who can speak up, must. We have to raise a voice for those who have been silenced.

As we move into another Dressember, I am grateful for yet another opportunity to use my voice for good. An opportunity to share my story, and speak up for those whose dignity has been stolen. An opportunity to take my experience, and see it redeemed for good. An opportunity to encourage others to come with what they have--whether it's one dress in their closet or $1 in their wallet--and use it to change the world.

So yet again this year I'm asking you, dear reader, will you join me? Will you stand with me? Will you speak alongside me? Will you do what you can for girls like me? If there's one thing I know it's this: none of us can do it alone. But together, we can go farther than we ever dreamed possible, and do more than we ever thought probable.

It's almost Dressember 2017. Let's do this.

Visit my Dressember fundraising page.

Dressember 2017: Art Giveaway

I am excited to tell you about a new initiative I am doing for Dressember 2017! It's called #LetterForDressember, and it's an art challenge + art giveaway. If you want to participate in the challenge, creatively letter each day's prompt and share it on social media using the hashtag. I am also giving away my challenge artwork to those who donate to my Dressember page. Keep reading to find out how to receive a piece of my lettering art.

Here's how it works:

  >   Anyone who donates $15 or more to my Dressember campaign is eligible* to receive a piece of lettering art. Donors are eligible to receive one piece of lettering art for each $15+ donation made to my campaign. So if you snag one piece of art, but see another one you want later, you can always get two!

  >   Each day I will post a new piece of art on my Instagram account, @elm_creative. The first person to comment "claimed" has 24 hours to make their $15+ donation to my campaign. If someone has already commented, comment "next" to be the next in line. If the first person doesn't donate within 24 hours, the next person in line will be able to claim the art, and so on. I'll reach out to you if you're next in line!

  >   If you donate $15+ ahead of time, comment "claimed" first and you will be sent the lettering art as soon as possible.*

  >   If no one claims a piece of art within 24 hours, I will share the art on Facebook for someone to claim there. The art will also still be available on Instagram, so I will go by the time the first "claimed" comment is posted.

  >   If art pieces remain as of January 1, I will attempt to distribute them to donors.*

  >   All donations of $30 or more are eligible for a piece of custom lettering art. If you would like a custom piece, please contact me after making your donation with the word/quote you would like lettered. Custom pieces must be 5x8" or smaller.

* I will need to receive each donor's address in order to send the lettering art.

If you have a question, please contact me! I am so excited to combine my love for lettering with my passion for Dressember. And I can't wait to share what I create with you!

Dressember 2016: Week 4 Recap

Happy New Year 2017, friends!

I love this time of year, a fresh start, full of potential and new beginnings. I feel like I come alive with the excitement of all that a new year represents. Anything can happen when the slate is wiped clean, just waiting to be written on.

Oh my hopes for this new year.

First though, I want to recap the ending of Dressember 2016. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who donated, who shared my posts on social media, who liked my photos, who wore dresses with me, who encouraged me and supported this journey. And thank you to those who plan to still give as we move into the new year. (Dressember and my fundraising page will be open to receive donations through then end of January.)

As of writing this post, we have raised over $1,300 and growing (I still have to make my final contribution)! This is the most I have raised at the end of a Dressember campaign to date. It's so awesome to watch my fundraising total slowly grow. Combined I have had the opportunity to raise over $3,500 for Dressember. All because of you!

I cannot say enough how grateful I am for the outpouring of financial support. And while the money is going to something bigger--to fight human trafficking and uphold the dignity of others--I feel personally uplifted in my efforts each time a donation is made. So thank you, from me and from those who will be aided by your donations.

Day 22

Fundraising Stats
Total raised before day 22: $813
Grand total: $813

Day 23

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $813

Day 23 was also "Ugly Christmas Sweater" day at work! :)

Day 24

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $813

Day 25

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $813

Day 26

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 26: $21
Grand total: $834

Day 27

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $834

Day 28

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $834

Day 29

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 29: $294
Grand total: $1,128

Day 30

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $1,128

Day 31

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 31: $185
Grand total at the end of Dressember: $1,313

Donate now!  |  Visit my Dressember Page

Dressember 2016: Week 3 Recap + Last Chance to Give & Receive

There's only one day of Dressember left! I can't believe how quickly the month has flown by. I am so grateful for all the support I have received--from the 22 donors who have given to Dressember so far, to the ladies who have worn dresses with me.

If you haven't given to Dressember yet, please consider including it in your year-end charitable giving. It's tax-deductible and a secure process. Also, everyone who donates $10 or more to my campaign by January 1, 2017, will receive a surprise gift!

During week three we passed the half-way point of my fundraising goal! Even more importantly, information about Dressember continued to spread. I am so excited every time I get to tell someone new about the campaign and why I'm participating.

A few years ago I wrote this post before my first Dressember campaign and it's still true today. I participate in Dressember to be a voice for other girls, girls who don't have a voice or the ability to fight for themselves. Girls who have been easily overlooked and forgotten by society. Dressember is an opportunity to remind everyone that these girls exist and need our help.

If you know someone who hasn't heard about Dressember, please share my blog or my fundraising page. I would also love to talk with anyone who has questions.

Day 15

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 16

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

My co-worker Kayla joined me in wearing a dress again today!

Day 17

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 17 and 18 were sick days. I still wore a dress and took a photo, just didn't include my face. :)

Day 18

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 19

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 20 / Team Tuesday

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 20: $21
Grand total: $763

Today was my last "Team Tuesday" at work, at least for this year. This has been one of the best parts of Dressember--getting to do it with other ladies!

Day 21

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 21: $50
Grand total: $813

Donate now!  |  Visit my Dressember Page

Dressember 2016: Week 2 Recap + Survivor Story

I apologize that my week two recap is getting published at the end of week three. Needless to say with all of the holiday activities, it's been a little busy. But thanks to a cold, I'm parked on the couch with some free time to finally get this post published!

Before I get into my recap, I wanted to share a survivor story with all of you. These stories paint a picture of what your donation to Dressember can do. It's not just money being thrown around, it's money changing lives.

Elsa's Story

If you want to describe a survivor of sex trafficking in one word, use Elsa’s: Strong.

Just to imagine the nightmare Elsa* lived will require strength. Night after night, men paid Elsa’s boss to take her away to their hotel rooms. They could do anything they wanted to her there.

“I was treated as a slave who was required to follow orders whether I liked it or not,” Elsa says. Now in her early twenties, she speaks with a confidence that shows remarkable resilience.

“I had a happy childhood because of my adventures with my brothers and friends,” Elsa shares.

Everything changed for Elsa when she was 12 years old. Her father died suddenly. Elsa was told the sickness was a curse. Her mother left. Elsa and her brothers moved in with aging grandparents who couldn’t afford both food and school. So Elsa, the big sister, shouldered the responsibility and decided to make a way for herself and her little brother.

Amazingly, she managed to keep them both in school. She worked as a housekeeper, a janitor, a receptionist, a shop assistant—anything she could find. After high school graduation, she saw an opportunity to work as a nanny in Europe. This would allow her to support her family in ways she’d only dreamed of, but she needed a lump sum to offset the initial visa costs. This is when the traffickers made their move.

You see, someone had been looking for Elsa. Not her, specifically, but any girl like her. Commercial sexual exploitation is a profitable industry—upwards of $99 billion a year—and like any successful business, there’s a reliable model. In cities and slums around the world, pimps and traffickers recruit girls who are alone and afraid —teens who are desperate, shouldering a massive financial burden all on their own slender shoulders. The more frayed the support system the better. This is what vulnerable means.

A bar owner offered Elsa a job that promised good pay to jump start a new future. Maybe this was the chance she had been waiting for—the way she could ensure her little brother would finish school. So Elsa took the job. She was given a “uniform,” then made to dance for the customers. The girls took turns, half-hour shifts at a time.

Elsa explains: “I wanted to sleep and rest... Mamasan [the manager] would come to me and tell me to approach, entertain, and even hug customers to give me drinks and take me out. Usually customers would take me out to accompany them to another bar, watch other girls dance, and get drunk. Others take me straight to their hotel and make me do things.”

The pain at night gave way to shame in the morning. Traffickers often don’t need padlocks and bars to enslave young women like Elsa. They are clever businessmen who use loans and sham interest to trap girls in a cycle of debt. They are sly con-artists who propagate lies and prey on cultural stigma that makes girls feel guilty and ashamed for sexual behavior, that is in fact sexual abuse. They are hardcore criminals who will turn to physical violence if that’s what it takes.

In Elsa’s case, the bar managers used a complex system of fines and false debt to keep her and the other girls trapped there. She had to pay for everything—the skimpy uniform, the meals provided by the bar, even water. When a customer paid to take Elsa out of the bar and exploit her, Elsa got about $17, and the bar got $28. What Elsa didn’t know at the time was that the bar was under investigation for employing minors and coercing young women into commercial sexual exploitation.

Nearly three years ago, police staged an operation to arrest the suspects and free the victims. IJM staff were onsite to support the authorities and ensure Elsa and the 15 others rescued that night got immediate and expert crisis care. But this is not where the story ends.

Elsa resisted help. For so long she had lived on her own, managed the pain and shame on her own. She even ran away from the aftercare shelter at one point. But the IJM team that rescued her from the bar wasn’t going away because freedom seemed hard. Elsa’s social worker refused to give up, tracking down phone numbers of family members and even traveling to Elsa’s hometown to look for her.

Finally, Elsa responded to a text message. She said she wanted to try again. Soon after Elsa moved back into the aftercare home, she said she wanted to join the trial. “I thought of testifying to fight for my rights and speak of the truth. It was not my fault that I got there in the first place.”

Deciding to testify was a huge decision. It meant facing the traffickers once again. And in the Philippines, where courts are back-logged, it meant working up that courage multiple times only to show up and have the hearing postponed. When Elsa finally took the witness stand, she was brave, direct and strong. The trial against the bar owner and two managers is ongoing.

Later we asked what she would want to tell the traffickers who hurt her: “My message for the bar owner and manager is: do not abuse women’s weaknesses, their desperation to find a job because of extreme need. Do not step on women’s dignity because it hurts. We are all the same; we are human, not objects nor animals that can be manipulated.”

You should see Elsa today. She is now in her second year of college studying business administration. Her dream is to open an ice cream shop—a business that would give her independence and a way to care for her family. Elsa is moving forward. Don’t miss the message she shared in her own words…

*A pseudonym.

Day Eight

Fundraising Stats
Total raised before day 8: $726
Amount donated on day 8: $16
Grand total: $742

My co-worker Kayla joined me in participating in Dressember today!

Day Nine

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 10

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 11

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 12

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

Day 13 / Team Tuesday

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742

One day a week my co-workers are joining me for "Team Tuesday." Those who want to participate wear a dress for Dressember. I love having these ladies join me!

Day 14

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $742
Donate now!  |  Visit my Dressember Page

Dressember 2016: Week 1 Recap + Giveaway Extension

Dressember 2016 is off to an amazing start! As I'm typing this post, we are only $24 away from the half-way point of my $1,500 goal! To celebrate this successful first week, I have decided to extend my art giveaway.

Donate $20 or more to my Dressember campaign by 11 p.m. CST on Sunday, December 11, 2016, and I will send you a piece of my "famous" brush lettering artwork! This has been a beloved thank-you item in the past and once again I will be creating these original works of art for my donors. Each quote is selected and hand-painted by me, so you will be receiving an original piece, not a print. (All I need is your address so I can send your thank-you art on its way!)

Your donation will go toward funding the work of International Justice Mission and A21, two organizations fighting to end human trafficking and restore dignity to those rescued from slavery. Also, all donations are tax-deductible within the United States.

At the end of each week of Dressember, I'll be posting a recap which will include photos and information from each day. If you don't want to wait for the recap, you can get daily updates and photos by following me on Instagram @MrsEliseMance.

Day One

Fundraising Stats
Total raised before day 1: $335
Amount donated on day 1: $50
Grand total: $385

Day Two

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 2: $84
Grand total: $469

Day Three

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 3: $100
Grand total: $569

Day Four

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $569

Day Five

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 5: $127
Grand total: $696

Day Six / Team Tuesday

Fundraising Stats
Grand total: $696

One day a week my co-workers are joining me in wearing dresses for Dressember. We've dubbed these days "Team Tuesdays." It is so great having these ladies join me!

Day Seven

Fundraising Stats
Amount donated on day 7, at the time of publication: $30
Grand total: $726

Donate now!  |  Visit my Dressember Page

Dressember 2016 Kick-Off + Giveaways

Dressember 2016 kicks off in just two days! I can't believe it's almost here. As I look to this next month, I am excited for what's ahead, and I'm hopeful that many of you will help me make this Dressember a great one.

Dressember happens because of generosity. Because people believe in a cause and give what they can to make it happen. As I'm typing this post, Dressember donors have already given a combined $70,000 to the cause. That's 70k to fight human trafficking, to restore the lives of victims, and to prosecute those who make a living on exploiting the powerless.

I know during this time of year, money can be tight. But I also know that this season encourages us to be generous with what we have. It doesn't take a lot to make a difference. You don't have to give the largest amount of money to take a stand. Any amount you give goes toward the ongoing work of anti-slavery organizations International Justice Mission and A21. No amount is too small to be a voice for those who have none.

I am asking for your help to kick off Dressember 2016 well. Help me get started on the right foot as we head into the month of December. And to say thank-you for your generosity, I have some special giveaways. (All I need is your address so I can send your thank-you item on its way!)

Donate $30 or more to my Dressember campaign on Giving Tuesday (November 29, 2016) and I will send you one of my mini splatter paint journals! I have eight of these cuties to give away, and they make a great little gift for the journaler or artist in your life.

 
Each one-of-a-kind, hand painted, 3.5 x 5.5" Moleskine journal is filled with 64 pages of blank paper with 16 perforated sheets at the back. Each features a flexible navy, black, or grey cardboard cover and back pocket for lose papers. The front with be adorned with a fun splatter paint design in a surprise color! The small size fits easily into a pocket, purse, or backpack and is easy to take on-the-go.

Donate $20 or more to my Dressember campaign during the first week of Dressember (December 1-7, 2016) and I will send you a piece of my "famous" brush lettering artwork! This has been a beloved thank-you item in the past and once again I will be creating these original works of art for my donors. Each quote is selected and hand-painted by me, so you will be receiving an original piece, not a print.

Be one of the first 10 donors to give $10 or more to my Dressember campaign and you will receive a limited-edition thank-you card featuring one of the images from my #DressemberCollection of photographs. These images are also available for purchase, with proceeds going to Dressember. Please contact me directly if you are interested.

I will be sharing my Dressember Collection on my Instagram account throughout the campaign. My hope is that the images will cause viewers to reflect on the differences between young people who are free, and young people who are not free. All are deserving of the best life possible--full of dignity, vibrancy, and autonomy--and that is something worth fighting for.

Please consider what you can give to my Dressember campaign. Simply click the link below to donate. Thank you for your consideration and support. Let's do this!

Donate now

5 Things You Should Know About Dressember

In a couple of months I will be participating for a third year in Dressember, a campaign that leverages fashion and creativity to fight human trafficking. As I'm getting ready to participate this year, I want to make sure you all know what this whole Dressember thing is all about. That's why I'm writing this post on five things you should know about the campaign.

1. It's about more than dresses.

Yes, Dressember involves wearing dresses throughout the month of December, but it's about so much more than that. It's a way to declare dignity and worth for the estimated 45 million people trapped in modern-day slavery. It's a way to raise awareness and funds for an issue that many of us too easily forget about. It's a way for the average person to make a difference in a global, billion-dollar industry affecting the lives of men, women, and children.

2. It benefits the work of some great organizations.

Every donatation to Dressember goes toward the work of two anti-slavery organizations, International Justice Mission and A21. Check out their websites to learn more about the work they do, and exactly what your donation will help fund. You can also follow them on social media to get the latest updates on their ongoing work. In addition, donations to Dressember are tax-deductible within the U.S.

3. It's not as difficult as it sounds.

Wearing a dress every day in December can sound difficult. But the truth is, the "sacrifice" of wearing a dress is nothing compared to what victims of human trafficking face on a daily basis. (Read stories of victims, survivors, and the work of IJM.)

Rather than focus on the parts that seem difficult, I encourage other participants to think creatively about what they can do to stay warm and still participate. The more you challenge yourself, the more solutions you'll be able to find. A simple solution to help you participate can help lead to bigger solutions for victims of slavery.

4. Men can participate too.

I love seeing posts from different Dressember participants on Instagram--the cause brings together a great community of women and men who find creative ways to participate. A quick browse through the hashtag #DressemberMen on Instagram will give you a glimpse into how men can join the cause. Some wear bow ties every day of the month, others create and sell art, and others pose with signs that say "Real men don't buy girls."

5. It's easy to join.

Every year I have more friends talk to me about participating and I love that! It's a simple process to join the cause and participate in Dressember. If you don't want to raise money, you can participate by wearing dresses (or ties for the men) and sharing the cause with your friends face-to-face or on social media. You can direct them to an individual page if they want to donate, or to dressember.org/give.

If you want to raise money, you can follow this link and click on the "Become an Advocate" button, then click "As an Individual." The process to set up your page is quick and simple and the site will walk you through it step by step. After you've set that up, if you want, you can join the team I created, called World Changers. Just go to the team page and click the "Join Team" button.

If you decide to participate, however that looks for you, please let me know! I would love to support you and maybe come up with some creative ways for us to raise awareness together.

{Check out more of my posts on Dressember here.}

A Command for Husbands: Looking at Ephesians 5

This year I've been tackling some different topics surrounding faith and relationships. I've had this topic on my mind for even longer and I'm finally getting around to publishing my thoughts on it.

We all know marriage is a common topic within the Church in America, and within in that conversation, the topic of submission. It's a hot-button subject that many churches don't shy away from, and it has the potential to become the focal point when studying Ephesians 5. In my experience, churches sometimes camp on the topic of submission, what it looks like, how to do it, etc. But it's not the only important topic to consider when looking at biblical marriage.

Also in my experience, I've found the lack of dialog on a husband's calling--in the same Ephesians passage--disheartening. I think it's beyond time for leaders in the Christian community to step forward, and truly challenge married men to model the Ephesians 5 husband. It's not enough to simply be "in charge," there is a larger, more encompassing command present. I've also seen young women get a poor concept of biblical marriage as they are left with the command to submit, and not much more.

Married members of the Christian community should be seeking to give an accurate representation of both the roles of wives and  husbands within marriage. The call is not for women to blindly submit and men to tyrannically rule, but for there to be a two-person relationship that paints a broader picture of Christ and the Church. How can we model that if we don't earnestly seek what we are called to?

In an effort to do just that, I'm looking into the instruction of Ephesians 5:22-33, specifically looking at what husbands are called to. Based on the comparison and the position in which husbands are placed, I believe they have the greatest responsibility within marriage, and that is to model Christ. I will, for the sake of study, not ignore instruction for wives.

The Breakdown

Right away, this passage starts off with submission (v.22), but it is not devoid of a reason. Submission is a natural response to the husband's role, which is to mirror Christ's headship of the church. (v. 23) Wives are called to submit to their own  husband (not all  husbands/men), as to the Lord, because of the husband's role and position in marriage. Husbands are called to be a living picture  of Christ's headship over the church and His role as Savior of the body  (i.e., the church at large). (v. 23)

Immediately there is a picture being painted--God has intended for the husband-wife relationship to mirror that of Christ and the church. Marriage in and of itself is a God-ordained symbolism. Within that picture, there are distinctly defined roles. Just as the church submits to Christ, so wives are called to embody that by submitting to their husbands. (v. 24) The next six verses go on to contain instruction strictly for husbands.

Husbands are called to love their wives (v. 25a), and before you think that is a simple, easy calling, the rest of the verse explains what that love is to resemble. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. (v. 25b) In other words, to love their wives, husbands are instructed to lay down their lives. Christ died for us, the church, to make us holy, cleansed, so that we could be presented to Him in splendor, holy and blameless. (vs. 26-27) His sacrifice is life-giving and selfless, with a goal of reconciliation to bring us close to Him. This is the type of sacrifice husbands are called to, to love is to give of oneself as Christ gave of Himself. He is the very definition of love. (1 John 4:8)

Ephesians 5:28 goes on to detail another aspect of the Christ-like love husbands are to emulate, loving their wives as they love themselves. Just as a man would provide and care for himself, so he must provide and care for his wife. (v. 29a) Again, this is to be a picture of Christ's provision and care for the church, because we, as the church, are members of His body. (v. 29b-30) And if you look at Christ's example, He gave up His literal, physical body on the cross, so He took it a step further  and valued the church over His own life. (John 19:16-30)

The passage wraps up by discussing how the husband-wife relationship is set apart and unique. A husband is called to leave his parents and be united to his wife in a profound mystery, mirroring Christ and the church. (vs.31-32) In that we see that a husband's responsibility is to his wife, not his parents, or extended family, or others. His primary role is to love his wife, and she is called to respect him. (v. 33)

The Response

I think a lot of women get hung up on this passage right out of the gate. It begins with wives and submission, and if you stop there, it can seem frustrating and one-sided. But you have to read the entire passage to find what is paired with that calling. With the call for wives to submit is the call for husbands to live like Jesus, a huge and challenging command that husbands cannot take lightly.

Before I go any father, I want to affirm that, unfortunately, not all husbands model Christ in their marriages. A husband is not automatically Christ-like just by getting married or by being male. Nor is a husband godly in his words and behavior at all times. Because of sin, men and women are fallen, sinful, unable to do good on their own, which is why we need Jesus all the time.

To be able to live like Jesus, we must be in constant pursuit  of Jesus. It doesn't come naturally, it's not easy, and honestly, it's not always fun. But it is the best, most rewarding, most fulfilling  way any human being can live. (Please know: If your husband, or any man for that matter, is treating you poorly--physically or emotionally--you are not  called to be a doormat and accept abuse. Please tell someone whom you trust, who can help you, and give you godly advice and council.)

The challenge for husbands is to singularly be in pursuit of Christ-likeness. Only through seeking Jesus--to know Him and become like Him--can a husband honor his God-given mandate within marriage. That mandate is, as stated in Ephesians 5:25-32, to love his wife as Jesus loved the church. To get a full grasp of that, I encourage you, read through the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) and study who Jesus was, how He lived, and what He did to bring people to Himself. Really the entire Bible will point you to Christ, but the Gospels are a great place to start.

The Results

If husbands truly seek Christ-likeness and strive to emulate Him within their marriages, I believe they will begin to see certain, specific results.

• Denial of self. Jesus said in Mark 10:45, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life—a ransom for many." Jesus' very mission was to give up Himself. To be like Christ is to deny your selfish desires, to put the needs of others before your own. Within marriage, this manifests itself when a husband looks to care for the needs of his wife over his wants, desires and needs. To be truly Christ-like in marriage, a man cannot be selfish.
  
• Elevation of others. When you spend less time concerned with your own needs and more time serving others, you begin to elevate others. You see their value and worth and your actions help to underscore that value. In the marriage relationship, the husband elevates his wife to a place of honor and esteem. This is an equalizing position, one where a wife is highly valued, both for who she is and what she does. (See Proverbs 31:10-31 for an example of a man honoring his wife.)
  
• Strengthening of the family and the church. A relationship that exemplifies that of Christ and the Church will have a profound impact on both the family and the church body. A husband and wife who are striving after Christ together will set an unmistakable example of a godly marriage for their family and their church. This example can help guide others in marriage and in ministry by demonstrating a singular focus on Christ and His calling.

I also believe that if a husband is truly striving after Christ-likeness, submission becomes not merely a requirement but a joy. It becomes a natural response to the love and sacrifice of a godly husband. (For more on the topic of submission itself, check out this blog post.) And what is better than mutually encouraging each other toward a life, a marriage, that honors the Lord above all?

A Real Love Story: When Life is Hard

The #RealLoveStory series is not done! I'm shifting away from discussing relationships specifically and talking about personal details that will affect relationships.

If I know nothing else about life, I know this: it is hard. It doesn't matter what stage you find yourself in, there will always be hardships, there will always be pain. And when there is an unknown to why bad things are happening, it can make you want to give up.

I've never been a quitter, it's just not in my nature. The first time I thought about suicide was in high school. I didn't think there was any end to the pain that I felt. At that age I was dealing with more things than the majority of people realized. Inside, I was depressed and confused, I felt invisible, unlovable, like I was drowning and couldn't come up for air. Outside, the smile and sass hid the knowledge that I was ugly, geeky, and dealing with abuse from classmates. I contemplated ways to end it. Who could live like this?

The first time I felt real, complete rejection from someone I thought I loved was in college. It was one of those rejections that came without an explanation. The attention and relationship just stopped in silence. It felt like searing pain to see this person, and to walk away without knowing what was wrong. Was it me? It must've been me. I wasn't pretty enough or good enough, and he didn't want me.

The first time I felt truly, completely alone, was after I moved to Colorado. I got dumped two months into moving there and I had no one. No family to fall back on, no one to help take care of me. The pain of losing a relationship I thought would lead to marriage was compounded by the vastness of my separation from all that was familiar. Like the mountains I passed every day, I felt like I was alone in a wilderness of confusion and pain. I looked for ways to numb it because who cared what happened to me now?

Life has been a series of painful pricks, like a needle repeatedly pressed into my skin. Whether it was betrayal by members of the church body, bad choices that led to worse decisions, rejection by those closest, or the feeling of being unacceptable, there has always been pain. And the reality of life tells me, there always will be pain. But somehow, I'm still here. It's a choice to live life in the midst of hurt, it's a choice to go on when you want to quit, it's a choice to overcome.

I don't like to let a bad experience go without getting something good out of it. One little shred of goodness, that's all it takes. I have to learn from it, I have to grow. I have to find the redemption. Maybe it takes years, but I am determined to always make the bad produce something good. These are some of the things I've learned from pain.

Don't give up.

Life can seem really bad at any given time. Friends and family will fail you, your spouse will fail you, and sometimes, you will fail. Life may feel like a dark pit you can't climb out of and it may seem like it's been years since you've seen the light of day. There will be seasons of desolation, of depression, of loneliness, of pain. Unfortunately, that is the nature of life and humanity.

But no matter how hard it gets, I'm telling you now, in writing: you are never  allowed to give up. It's easy to just see what's here, what's now. We can only see this moment and what is past, but we can't see what's ahead. There may be even harder times ahead, it's true, but there will also be things that you won't want to miss, that you shouldn't  miss. It's true that this world needs you, the people in your life need you. You have something to give, to contribute, and a story to tell.

I know it's not easy, but resolve in the good moments to fight through the bad. Hold onto that resolve. Know that you are strong, you will overcome. Life will change, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse, but you can do it. Find a small group of close friends to come alongside you in all that life brings. Friends who will remind you of your worth and value, their love, and that life will get better again.

God uses broken people. 

I think a lot of times we put pressure on ourselves to get things right, to look like we have it all together. There's this unspoken belief that we're "better" if we have a handle on our lives, if we project an image of perfection, and if we don't have any big-time screw ups. But if you dive below the surface, you'll see that's not really true. The truth is that broken people can be used for big things.

There are a lot of really screwed up people in the Bible. They're some of the most prominent characters--King David slept with another man's wife, then had him killed; Abraham passed off his wife as his sister; Rahab was a prostitute in a pagan city; King Solomon was a sex addict in love with many women. I think these individuals show us that God has used and continues to use imperfect people. David was called a man after God's own heart. God made a covenant with Abraham, and Abraham's belief in God was credited as righteousness. Rahab became one of five women included in Jesus' genealogy. Solomon asked God for wisdom and was given insight greater than all of Egypt. These people weren't perfect, but that didn't negate them from great things in service to God.

Don't let your past mistakes keep you benched. The best thing you can do is learn from them and let that knowledge equip you to help others and to live a holy life. God can use you, no matter where you've been, no matter what you've done, and no matter what's been done to you. You're never too "far gone" or too broken to do great things.

Understanding can come with time.

Sometimes we will never know why a bad thing happened. I don't have specific answers for why certain things happened to me in my past. In some cases I've just accepted that the sinful choices of others led to them inflicting pain on me or trying to use me. That's the nature of having freewill and the ability to choose wrong. It's painful, but I'm thankful not to be a robot.

In other cases, I've been able to see some good come from the bad or at least reach an understanding for why something happened. Sometimes it's the ability to connect with and encourage another person, or the opportunity to see that it was a good thing a relationship ended. It comes back to that decision to work hard to find the good in the bad. If I make a mistake, I want to learn from it. If something happens to me, I want to find even a tiny spec of good that could come from it. It's a choice to not let the bad things win.

Don't expect to find good or understanding right away. Don't ignore the pain or try to avoid being sad. But don't stay in sadness forever. Let people in who can help you and who need you. Look for something you can learn. Begin to search for the good that you can take back from the bad. Maybe some things will never make sense, but don't let that stop you from making the world a better place for someone else.

Thanks for checking out the #RealLoveStory series. If you have an idea for a topic, question or comment, please leave a comment below or email me.