A Real Love Story: About Marriage

In this post I'm continuing the #RealLoveStory series by writing about marriage. This isn't a post about MY marriage, but what I've learned about marriage throughout my life. I feel like I wrote this post for myself as much as I wrote it for anyone else. I need to remember what I've written here as I walk through life. 

Leading up to writing this post, I kept questioning what I should say about marriage. I'm not an expert. I've got two and a half years under my belt and that's it. Not much of a resume. But I do have a knowledge of the Bible, which is where I think we can get the simplest and best marriage advice.

We get input on marriage from all kinds of sources--family, friends, media, entertainment, the list goes on. I feel like a lot of information is misguided, or just straight up wrong. A lot of times the potential or imagined negatives are highlighted over the positives. Marriage is often downgraded to a boring life stage in which people struggle with child-rearing and a non-existent sex life.

In reality, marriage is the opportunity to partner with another person to exemplify God's design for relationships and family, and to also model Christ's relationship with the church. It's an opportunity to make your life a living picture of sacrificial love, humble servanthood, unconditional respect, and life-long commitment.

So in short, marriage is quite possibly the hardest thing you will ever do for all the right reasons. It can turn you inside out, changing you into a man or woman dedicated to God's call to live out a model of the Gospel. It can change your life in places you never knew existed and become about more than society's view and definition of marriage. The challenge is to keep the main thing, the main thing.

Marriage is an enormous responsibility.

When you enter into an institution ordained by God, you have the responsibility to honor that institution in the way God has designed and instructed. When it comes to marriage, couples have the responsibility to know what God says about marriage and to exemplify His commands through their relationship. And should you think that's simple, easy, or possibly boring, check out what Ephesians 5:22-33 says about it:

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

This is the type of lifestyle married couples are called to by God. A life marked by selfless acts of submission, love, sacrifice, care, commitment, unity, and respect. It's a life against our natural inclinations, truly opposite of ourselves. But committing to a godly marriage means committing to God's instructions for marriage. It's committing to living out marriage as defined by God to the absolute best of our ability.

Marriage is selfless.

You can't exemplify the marriage described in Ephesians 5 and live selfishly, it just doesn't work. Those acts of submission, love, sacrifice, care, commitment, unity, and respect are all selfless actions. In fact true, Biblical Christianity is a call to selfless living, from submission to Christ to the building up of the body of believers. That's why the Bible talks so much about dying to self. To live as Jesus lived, to honor God, we have to put ourselves aside. It's no different with marriage.

Society does a good job of helping us focus on ourselves. Even the way marriage is presented is selfish. It's about what we want--to spend our life with the person who makes us happiest, who adds the most to our existence. And if that doesn't work out, scrap it and look for someone who is better. There's no challenge to move beyond selfishness, to be more concerned with the needs of our spouse than our needs. But that is exactly what the Bible calls us to--to live counter-culturally and selflessly in marriage and in life.

Marriage is serious business.

A wise person once told me, "Marriage is like a business transaction." I think that's a great picture for capturing the seriousness of marriage. It's not just a fun, flippant thing. It's a serious decision that will affect you in more ways than you'll know. It's a decision to merge two lives of two individuals in a life-long commitment and union. This will be the person with whom you will do life, who you'll share a bank account with, who will be a parent to your children, who could squash your spirit or elevate your worth.

It can be easy to act on your feelings, but when it comes to marriage, it's best to think logically, just like you would in a business transaction. Take the romance and sentimentality out of it and decide if this is the person with whom you truly want to become one. Ask yourself if this is a wise decision, one that will bring about the best for you and this other person. Are the qualities and character of this other person ones that you want to see lived out in your life together? Take the time to think seriously about marriage before you enter into it.

Marriage is not an island.

I've watched a lot of people get married in my life. I've watched a decent amount shut out many of their friends after they got married. Unfortunately, some couples adopt an "us against the world" mentality. Or think they don't really need friends any more. While your marriage and your spouse are huge priorities, and your spouse should be your closest friend, I think it's a mistake to shut others out of your life.

People are designed to be relational, we need  each other. We don't stop needing other people when we get married. Things may shift, but we still need strong friendships to help us navigate life. I am so thankful for friends--single and married--who have helped keep me focused, encouraged me, been there to listen, and challenged me with different perspectives. Each friendship is so unique and valuable, whether it's another couple walking a similar road or a single girl friend I've bonded with over shared experiences.

Friends can help keep you accountable to your marriage commitments. Friends can give you that outlet you need when times get tough and you need to talk it out. Friends can remain more objective than family can when you and your spouse are having a disagreement. Friends keep life interesting. And your friends need you. After you get married, they don't check you off their list. They want to maintain that friendship; they need you just as much as you need them.

Marriage is a journey.

Marriage isn't just a picture-perfect wedding. It's not constant romance, a piece of cake, or an instant success. It's not about sex or the perfect house or never having an argument. It's made up of two imperfect people, which means that struggles, fights, issues, and disappointments are going to happen. You're going to do something wrong, you're going to fail at something, you're going to make mistakes, and so is your spouse. Marriage will include hard times because it happens in real life.

Marriage is a journey, for you on your own, for your spouse on his or her own, and for both of you together. It's a journey toward becoming the best spouse you can be, and remembering that the only person you can change is yourself. It's about forgiveness, constant  forgiveness. It's about patience, attentiveness, growth, and being willing to adjust yourself and your way of thinking. It's walking alongside someone, whatever may come, and vowing to stay beside that person at all times.

You don't have to try to be perfect and do it all, because you can't be perfect, and you can't do it all. But you can work on one little piece at a time. You can learn from others; you can put aside your selfishness; you can focus on your spouse; you can make time to do the big, important things and the small, special things. You can work toward the person you need to be and the marriage you want to have. The biggest key is to never give up. Never stop working on yourself, on your marriage, on your journey.

A Real Love Story: Friendship First

This post is a continuation of the #RealLoveStory series in which I'm telling the truth about love, relationships, and marriage. As we're heading into a holiday focused on romance, I want to write about love in real life.

I die a little bit inside every time I hear someone dismiss a relationship because they're "too good of friends" with someone to start dating them. Whoever sold that lie should be forced to publicly rescind it. It was probably the same person who coined the terms "fall in love," and "follow your heart." These ideas have been misguiding people for years and it's time to make it stop.

I grew up hearing that you should marry your best friend, but I never really understood what that meant. It can be hard to comprehend something when you can't get a solid picture of it. Society makes love look like sex, romantic helicopter rides, and unreal moments that take your breath away. It's a pretty sad picture when you hold it up to real love. Sadly, real love doesn't get the representation it deserves.

The first time I finally, fully understood what "marrying your best friend" looked like was on a trip to Dallas to visit my best girl friend. She had recently married her best guy friend from college, a relationship that was platonic for a long time before it finally turned into a romantic relationship. That time of friendship set a solid foundation on which they could build their marriage. And their marriage was hands-down one of the most desirable marriages I've ever seen.

Strong friendships are the most underrated determinant for lasting relationships. The world instead likes to look to appearances, chemistry, and again, feelings. All things that are nice, but can and will fade with time. Friendship, however, spans oceans and decades, fights and family crises, beauty and pain. It is through friendship that we learn how to be there in the best of times and the worst of times. It's where we learn to give of ourselves for another, despite their deepest, darkest secrets and hidden wrongs. It is where we can know and be known for who we are right down to our soul.

Friendship is a level beyond romantic feelings and pretty faces. It takes us to deeper levels of intimacy than sex alone. It is stronger and more fortified than temporary attraction. I maintain that friendship is the singularly best way to build and form a relationship that leads to marriage, and this is why.

Friendship leads to knowing and understanding someone.

Who doesn't want to be known and understood at their core by the person they're going to spend their life with? Friendship is the gateway to truly knowing someone for who they are. Friendship often removes the barriers that we put up in romantic relationships because we're not worried about impressing anyone. We're just ourselves, and when a friendship forms, we're enabled to continue being ourselves because we know we're liked for who we are.

In my friendship with Nick, I felt free to admit to who I was. I knew if things ever turned into a romantic relationship, I'd rather he know about my past mistakes before things got too serious. I figured he should know what he was getting into. Having six years to get to know each other, we didn't have a lot of questions going into marriage. We knew we were like-minded on important things like family and marriage, religion and theology, life goals and expectations. It was an awesome transition to go from being long-term, close friends to being in a relationship.

Friendship leads to reliability and loyalty.

I don't know about you, but I am loyal to a fault to my friends. I don't care what the situation is, I will stick up for any friend who is being mistreated. I am always going to be on their team, supporting them to the best of my ability. Friendship teaches us how to consistently be there for someone, not just in the good times, but also the bad.

Having that as a foundation will absolutely help in marriage. You want to marry someone who will always be in your corner, loyal and dependable. You want someone who will show up, everyday, and fight for your relationship. Loyalty in friendship can be stronger than loyalty in romance, when feelings can fade and desires can change. Friendship can help you weather those storms.

Friendship leads to commitment and dedication.

Similarly to the point above, friendship compels us to remain dedicated to the people we are close to. There is a desire, not a compulsion, to remain a dedicated and true friend. That leads us to sacrificing some of our wants and desires for the betterment of our friendship. Friendship can help you stay committed to your spouse in the hard seasons when you may feel tempted to stray. If you can't walk out on a friend, you can't walk out on your spouse who is your friend. That close, friendship-level commitment can help you keep the vows that you make on your wedding day. The ones that go, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health."

Let's be totally honest here for a moment. Life can get boring. Marriage can get tiring. It's not always exciting and full of romance and good feelings. There are absolutely dry seasons where you're just waiting for something good to happen. There are days when all you do is watch TV on the couch in your pajamas and never see the light of day. In those times, you want to be spending your days with your best friend. You want to be able to enjoy life as it is, stripped of all the excitement and hoopla. Regular old life is still special when you get to spend it with your closest and dearest friend.

Friendship leads to acceptance.

Friendship teaches you to accept someone for who they are, not who you want them to be. There's typically no pressure to try to change for someone because in friendship you can simply be yourself. Granted, there can be times when you want to impress a potential friend, but usually that's not a solid, deep friendship. Solid friendships typically form around the people with whom you are most comfortable, and able to show your true self. These types of friendships enable us to be vulnerable, to open up about struggles, fears, and insecurities. They teach us how to be present, to care for others, and to listen, all qualities that contribute to a solid marriage.

Friendship is solid in the midst of trials.

Hard seasons and difficult times are often what rock marriages. And it's understandable, many of life's hardest experiences can come about during that season of life. It can be hard to communicate, to understand, and to stay strong in life's hardest times. A foundation of friendship can help you weather the impending challenges you will face. You've already learned how to communicate, how to remain loyal and committed, and how to understand your spouse. No, it won't be easy, but you can come out stronger as a couple.

Nick and I have only been married for a couple years, we haven't faced huge, earth-shattering challenges yet. But we have had to overcome some obstacles early in our marriage that would be tough for anyone to deal with. We had to tackle getting married, moving in together, losing a job, getting a new job, moving to a new city, losing two more jobs, financial struggles, health issues, and getting another new job, all within the first year of marriage. It was challenging most days and I struggled with identity a lot that first year.

I was thankful that Nick and I had already learned how to be there for each other in challenging situations. We had spent a majority of our relationship long-distance, which taught us how to communicate well. We had helped each other tackle different problems that sprang up in our lives when we were just friends. And with the time that it had taken for us to finally reach the point of marriage, we knew this was right and were ready to fight for each other.

I don't think our lives will be perfect from this point on. I don't think we'll be a perfect couple and never encounter marital problems. So please don't read that in what I've written. But I firmly believe that friendship, after God, has been the biggest factor for the good that has happened in our marriage. I want other people to experience the benefits of a marriage built on friendship, which is why I am and will continue to advocate for it.

Thanks for checking out the #RealLoveStory series! As always, I welcome your feedback and questions. If you have a topic you would like to see covered, you can suggest it below or shoot me an email.

A Real Love Story: Single and Sitting Here

This post is a continuation of the #RealLoveStory series. In this series I'm sharing the truth about love, relationships, and marriage around Valentine's Day. Today I'm writing on the topic of singleness.

I think I've come to my blog over a dozen times to write about singleness. Some posts have gotten published while others have been scrapped (mostly because they were too snarky, go figure). I think this is a sensitive topic, one that can bring a lot of pain, and also carry a lot of misunderstanding. I'm coming at it today with the following perspective:

First, I hated singleness. I was always on the lookout for a new relationship, vowed to never turn down a date, and even tried online dating on three separate websites. I always thought I would marry young. As a kid, I told my mom I was going to get married at 18, she told me I could marry at 35.

Second, I married "later" than the majority of my friends. I was one of the last in my friend group--at that point in time--to marry and I married at a later age than many people I knew. (For those who are wondering, I was 27.)

Finally, now that I am married, I think I can bring a unique view to the discussion as one who walked the road and can now look back on it. I haven't forgotten what singleness was like, and I haven't forgotten the feeling of married people talking about singleness. So I'm asking that you give me a chance to present my point of view as shaped by my experiences.

When you look at singleness from a Christian perspective, there are lots of different views and voices adding to the noise. Some people think singleness was the thorn in Paul's flesh, even though he elevated singleness. Then there are those who believe if you have a desire for marriage, you will eventually marry. Still others say that if you are called to singleness, it doesn't mean that the desire to marry ever goes away. Then there are the married people who talk about how great singleness is, that it's a high calling, an opportunity to be a better servant of God. But it's always hard to listen to them because they're married.

Here's what I know about singleness, the place where I've spent the majority of my life up to this point. Singleness is, at any given time, the hardest place in life to be. It can be lonely, scary, and depressing. It can also be liberating, fun, and exciting. It can keep you trapped in fear, or freed to pursue new adventures. Singleness can be whatever you decide to make of it.

I don't want to ever diminish the challenges and pain of singleness, but with this post I hope to encourage you. I'm writing what I would tell myself, if I could send a letter to the past. If I could just impart a little bit of wisdom to the me that a few short years ago was single and sitting there, waiting for something to finally happen.

Don't wish for someone else's story.

There was one girl I knew in college who had seriously the best  relationship story ever. It was perfect, from the handsome guy, to the dates he would take her on, to how he proposed. Perfect. I would constantly catch myself wishing her story could be my story. Wishing, as in praying to God to please, please, please  make something like that happen to me. I wanted her story to become my story.

Looking back on that, I can honestly say I'm so thankful that God said no to my desperate pleas. Because as good as her story was, having my own story is even better. And that's the beauty of how God works; He weaves together so many different stories for each of us, full of their own unique beauty and wonder. While we're walking them, they're often confusing and hard and we can't see an end to the pain. But there are little moments in life where God enables us to see a piece of what He's doing.

I love my story not just because it involves love, romance, and my husband, Nick. It also includes some really bad decisions, pain, heartbreak, and depression. But I can honestly say I wouldn't wish any of that away. It's what makes my life unique. It enables me to connect with people in new and varying ways. It enables me to relate to the struggles of life and offer encouragement. It helps me build up a community, to give of myself, and to hopefully encourage the people I encounter.

You have an amazing story and only you can tell it. Embrace that--flaws, disappointments, triumphs, and all. Don't wish it away, and don't try to change it. Simply seek to live it well and come alongside others who need to hear what you have to say.

Make the most of your time.

Some of my best seasons of personal growth came about because relationships ended. (See this post from five years ago for some of the details.) I was forced to become self-reliant, to adapt to real life and it's challenges. In those seasons, I learned a lot about myself as a person and became more independent. I refocused and reminded myself what I truly wanted out of life and where I wanted to go.

Singleness can be a great season to find out who you are and become who you want to be. It can be a time to take risks, tackle new challenges, and venture out on your own. You have the space and freedom to really do whatever you want to do.

I spent a lot of my singleness focused on the future: seeking new relationships and hoping for marriage. I was always expecting what could be waiting around the corner. The few times when I simply lived my life were truly sweet times. I wish I had focused on that more. I wish I had been a little more invested in knowing myself and my life as it was. At the same time, looking back, I'm thankful for that season of my life.

It's hard to appreciate singleness when we don't want to be there, or when we don't see an end in sight. My advice is, as much as you are able, look for ways to enjoy and make the most of that season, however long it may be. Just like Annie Dillard says, "How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives." I urge you to spend your days well. If you're not sure where life is going or where you should spend your time, seek God on that. He will direct your path.

Don't rush into marriage.

I feel like I've made this clear, but let me just state it again, I spent all of my singleness longing to be married. From childhood I looked forward to when I would finally get married. I was pretty single-minded in my pursuit of and desire for marriage. So just keep that in mind while you're reading this.

I am a huge supporter of getting married "later" in life. And not by choice, but by circumstance. When you experience something for yourself, you get to learn first-hand the benefits. And because I got married later in my twenties, I could experience and appreciate the benefits of marrying at an "older" age than many of my peers.

The benefits of getting married later, for me, included having time to really get to know myself. That helped me learn what I truly wanted and needed in a spouse. That helped me make better decisions when it came to relationships. It also helped me transition into married life when it came to expectations, hopes, and plans. It also helped me not look to my spouse to fulfill me or complete me, because I had time to learn that I was already complete and fulfilled in Jesus. I also had time to learn practical life skills, like how to pay rent, manage a bank account, care for my car, pay my taxes, and generally be an independent adult, not relying on family for help.

I'm not saying you can't learn or do these things if you marry young. I'm also not  knocking getting married young. But I am saying that if I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't change a thing. My marriage with Nick was, praise God, a seamless transition. I don't think that was completely due to our age at marrying, but that certainly helped. We were more mature, wiser, kinder, and more loving than our 22-year-old selves that had dated back in college. We had an understanding of ourselves and life that enabled us to move into a strong marriage focused on a common goal. (I'm planning to write more on our marriage, so check back for that later!)

Regardless of when you marry, I do want to advise you, don't rush into it. Take the time to discern (with your brain and logic over emotions and feelings) if the person you want to marry is the person you should  marry. If this is what God has for you, that person won't go anywhere. If you need an example, look at Nick and me. It took six years from when we met for us to finally realize that we were supposed to get married. Patience in relationships is never a bad thing and can lead to blessings down the road.

Don't give up hope.

If you are desiring marriage, I want to encourage you to not give up hope. I do believe that God gives us desires for a reason. I don't think it's sinful or wrong to want to be married. Just don't let that desire take the place of God in your life. It can be easy to put our wants on a pedestal and focus on them solely. Don't abandon hope, but don't make it your idol.

There's no quick-fix for singleness or marriage. People like to throw around little sayings like, "When you stop looking, you'll find the person you're meant to be with." Those are a load of garbage, sorry to say. There's no magic formula to ending singleness. In my experience, time was what it took for me to be ready and for marriage to become a part of my life. There were days I feared it wouldn't happen for me, but there was always that spark of hope. Don't stop hoping for the things you desire, you never know the moment they will enter your life.

A Real Love Story: Debunking Relationship Myths [Part 2]

Today I'm continuing my "myth debunking" in the #RealLoveStory series. If you missed part 1, you can find it here. I'm tackling some of the myths we believe or that culture sells us about love, relationships, and marriage.

I'm not good enough for anyone. (Or because of my past mistakes no one will love me.)

I don't have to know you to tell you that's a lie straight from the pit of hell. You have immense value and worth that isn't based on appearance, performance, or past mistakes. (Please see this past blog post for more on that.) Not only is this fact, but I know because I struggled with this myth for years.

I always thought there was something that made me "not good enough" to be in a relationship. Whether it was something physical that I just knew no one could look past, or a slew of past mistakes, I thought there was a good chance no one would love me. But over time I learned to accept who I am and I chose to learn from my mistakes, which changed me for the better.

This is another great opportunity to surround yourself with friends who will build you up and walk with you through difficult times. I had some awesome friends who lifted me up when I struggled with mistakes and helped me see that I could overcome them. And when it came to dating and eventually marrying Nick, one of the ways I knew he was the right one was in how he responded to my insecurities and mistakes. He didn't hold them over me or cut me down, but encouraged me and loved me with grace and kindness.

If I give into his/her demands, everything will be okay.

Um, no. First of all, if someone is pressuring you to do anything  that you don't want to do, that is wrong. They're not respecting you or your boundaries and that's not going to change if you give in. These types of people are typically manipulative, and can be really good at it. So good that you might not even realize you're being manipulated. But if you're at all feeling like you need to or should do something you don't want to do, that's not okay. It doesn't matter what you're being told (like, "If you love me, you'll do this"), you should never compromise your boundaries.

The truth is that the right person, the kind of person you want to be with, won't push you to compromise. He or she won't pressure you do to anything you're not comfortable with, but instead will respect your boundaries. What type of person would you rather be with, someone who accepts you for you who are, or someone you pressures you to compromise? Don't sell yourself short. Stay true to who you are and in the long run, the right person will absolutely appreciate that about you.

Marriage should be easy. (Or a good marriage is easy.)

I'm not one of those people who goes around saying marriage is hard. I feel like enough people complain about how hard marriage is, I don't need to add to that noise. But I also want to be realistic and tell you that marriage takes work. It's a fallacy to think that marriage is simple or easy or that you can just skate through. A good marriage take time, care, and lots of effort.

Think of marriage like a garden: the more time you take to care for it, tend it, and water it, the more beautiful it will become. It will grow, flourish, and thrive. But it's not without work. You'll have to remove weeds, things that will creep up in your marriage that shouldn't be there. You will have to invest time that you may want to spend elsewhere. And you will have to be vigilant against people and things that may want to harm your marriage or tear it down. In short, marriage is what you  make it.

When I find the right person, I'll always feel in love. (Or I'm waiting for a certain feeling.)

I was totally a feelings-based person for a long time. I put so much stock in how I was feeling that I would start or end relationships based solely on that. But here's the thing, feelings are always changing. Love--real love--is not a feeling, it's a choice. It's a decision you make when you find the person you want to spend your life with, you choose that person as the one person you'll love for the rest of your life.

When you enter into marriage, you make vows. In those vows you promise to remain with someone throughout life's uncertainties. I've never been to a wedding where people promised to love each other as long as they felt like it. But the sad thing is, that's how a lot of people act. I know a lot of factors go into divorce, but a big one is people claiming to have fallen "out of love." You don't fall in and out of love, you choose  to love or not to love. You don't stop loving someone just because one day you don't feel especially loving toward them. To stop loving someone is a choice you have to make.

This brings me back again to the fact that marriage takes work. Since love isn't a feeling, it takes effort to love someone. It takes time, dedication, sacrifice, selflessness, and sometimes hard work. It means putting more stock in your vows and decision to love than in your feelings or lack thereof. It means tending that garden of marriage, watering the grass where you are, not looking for something better on the other side of the fence. If you're not ready to do that, then you're not ready to get married.

I hope to unpack some of these topics further within the #RealLoveStory series. Stay tuned for more upcoming blog posts! In the mean time, if you have a question, comment, or myth you think I should tackle, send me an email or leave it below in the comments.

A Real Love Story: Debunking Relationship Myths [Part 1]

If you missed the introduction to the #RealLoveStory series, you can find it here. In short, I'm vowing to share the truth about love and marriage around Valentine's Day. To start, I'm tackling some of the myths we believe or that culture sells us about love, relationships, and marriage.

I think our view of love and relationships often gets distorted by the myths we buy into. We learn about love from those around us, and usually the loudest voices are the ones getting it wrong. Whether it's TV and movies or our childhood friends, growing up our sources on love aren't always the best.

Take it from me, I grew up on Disney and even that's not safe. I had two awesome parents with a strong marriage, but I wasn't there for the beginning. So I looked to the examples I found in the films watched endlessly. They were full of stories of beautiful people suddenly stumbling upon the person of their dreams, with whom they sailed off into the sunset. Ahh, romance!

It took me a while to adjust my thinking. I wasn't actively aware of my belief in the "Disney relationship," but over time I came to realize just how much it had affected my ideas of love. I was always looking for the beautiful, perfect person to complete my world and validate me as a woman. Thankfully time and some unignorable wake-up calls drew me away from that mindset and toward the truth.

I know I'm not the only person who has been fed a myth about love and marriage. No doubt our preconceptions play a larger role than we realize in how we view relationships. So today I want to take some time to debunk a few myths that I have believed or observed.

A relationship will complete me. (Or make me a better person, make me happy, etc.)

I think one of the most important things you can do before getting into a relationship or getting married is to know yourself, well. Because here's the thing, who you are before  dating/marriage is who you'll be when  you're dating/married. So if you're not happy with who you are, if you aren't complete as a person, or if you think you need to improve yourself, a relationship won't do that for you. It will simply magnify those issues over time. And they will come out.

My advice is to take time to really get to know yourself and appreciate the things that make you who you are. Honestly, that was one of the best parts about getting married later than most of my peers (even though that wasn't really by choice). I had time to experience life, to grow up, to learn some important lessons, and to become content in who I am, just me, by myself. It was a gift that I didn't ask for and definitely didn't appreciate until after I got married.

And after marriage, you don't go away. You're still you and you need to make time for yourself. Full disclosure: I had a mini identity crisis after getting married, moving, leaving one job and losing another all within a few months. The best thing I did was take some time to focus on and do the things that I loved. It helped me realize I'm still the same person, I still have the same passions, interests, and talents and I need to take time to do things I enjoy.

I have to find the perfect person and when I do, our life will be perfect.

I definitely bought into this lie (thanks again, Disney). But in reality, we can't expect anyone to be perfect because no one  is perfect. And two imperfect people together can't expect to have a perfect life. I think sometimes we get this idea that "happily ever after" is real and once we're married life becomes this amazing, wonderful thing. Don't get me wrong, there are some really amazing, wonderful aspects of being married, but life is never perfect.

Rather than looking for someone perfect, I think it's more important to work on yourself. Become the type of person you'd want to marry. At the end of the day, we can only change ourselves. And like the first myth, no one can make us happy by being the perfect spouse. So work on the qualities you want to possess and wait for someone who also embodies those qualities.

And since life is never perfect, I recommend choosing someone who will be able to take on the challenges and struggles of life with you. If life is challenging before you're married, it will be challenging after. Bad things don't stop happening, in fact sometimes they get worse. So rather than hoping for a fantasy land of perfection, look for someone who will support you, fight for you, and tackle life's difficulties with you.

I can change the person I love. (Or he/she will be different after we're married.)

This ties right in with the previous myth; unfortunately, you can't change anyone but yourself. So expecting that marrying someone will make them better, or that you'll be able to change them over time, is a myth. In fact, it's more realistic to assume that whatever you don't like about someone will actually get worse with time. I know it sounds harsh, but I think it's better to have a realistic picture of what marriage will look like than to enter it with unrealistic expectations.

The truth is, when you're married, you can't hide your faults any more. When you're dating it's easy to project your best self and try to mask your flaws. After marriage, you're spending virtually all your spare time with this person, you're living together, you're using the same bathroom and sleeping in the same bed. Besides not having the time and space to try to disguise faults, they're typically magnified by increased interactions, conflict, and problems that will arise.

So while no one is perfect, if there is a major issue you notice in someone, don't ignore it and don't fool yourself into thinking you can fix it. To be totally honest, it may be time to move on, because you should never convince yourself of the next myth...

No one else will love me. (Or I'll never be able to find anyone better.)

Two words: never settle. Ever. It doesn't matter if you think there's no one else out there or even if you've been told that, it's not true. If you know this person isn't the best person for you, if you're even a little unsure of whether you should get married, don't do it. At least give it time and don't make a rushed decision.

Culture and even the church has done a bad job of putting marriage on a pedestal. Granted, it is a really great and amazing thing, but so is singleness. There are challenges to both just as there are positives to both. If you're willing to settle just so you won't be single, I think we need to have a chat. (Also, please revisit the first myth.) Settling for someone who isn't right for you is a huge mistake. It will affect you in ways you can't begin to imagine and will lead to a lot of heartache.

If this is you--or you think it could be you in the future--I recommend surrounding yourself with friends who will speak truth into your life. There is no better way to tackle the lie of "no one else will love me" than by filling your life with those who know you and love you. They will lift you up and give you honest feedback on your dating choices. Plus their outside, unbiased opinion can help give you balance.

A Real Love Story: Sharing the Truth About Marriage

Recently I came across this post on the Humans of New York Facebook page. It contained a photo of an older gentleman holding a copy of Shakespeare's sonnets, and his thoughts on love. I read it, liked it, and didn't really think much more about it. The words written there resonated with me, but it wasn't until later--after reading a blog post about divorce--that I returned to it.

There was truth written there. It wasn't overly profound; it was simple, yet beautiful. I realized that parts of what this gentleman had said were true of my marriage. I could see our lives in what was written there. It was real, every-day life, and I loved that.

I've only been married two and a half years, I fully admit I don't know much about marriage and love, but I am learning. I walked a long road leading up to marriage in which I needed to correct my skewed view of love, formed by what culture had painted for me as "normal" or "expected." I'm glad I had that time, that I married "later" and was able to correct my ideas and views before entering into marriage.

I think we do a lot of disservice to marriage, and to singles, in the pictures we paint and the stories we write about love. It's always so unrealistic, so picture-perfect, so necessary. We set people up to feel like failures when their marriage doesn't mirror the "perfect ideal" of love, or when they don't marry. And where does that lead? Frustration, anger, disappointment, fractured relationships, identity crises, maybe even divorce.

I don't want to be one of those types of people, who pretend it's all roses and aren't honest about real love and marriage. I don't want to paint you a picture that looks perfect, but isn't real. I want to be honest, I want to write truth, I want to stand up for real love and marriage. Because real life is what we all live, and though it is messy and scary and hard, it is also beautiful and amazing.

So this year as Valentine's Day approaches and our culture focuses on love and relationships, I'm vowing to honestly  write about marriage and love. I'm vowing to go against culture and share the truth from what I've learned, seen, and experienced when it comes to relationships. And I'm encouraging you to do the same.

Stay tuned as I continue the #RealLoveStory series and share some more posts on this topic in the coming days. If you have questions or a topic you'd like to see covered, let me know! You can leave it in the comments, or email it to me. (If you don't want your name tied to your question, let me know and I will share it anonymously.) 

Check out these #RealLoveStory posts:
Debunking Relationship Myths [Part 1]  /  Debunking Relationship Myths [Part 2]  /  Single and Sitting Here
Friendship First  /  About Marriage  /  When Life is Hard

Explored: Northern Michigan

July has been such a busy month! I feel like we've been doing almost non-stop traveling since the month began. I haven't had a moment to sit down and write on the blog until now.

Over the last week and a half, Nick and I got to travel to northern Michigan, specifically the Mackinaw City/Mackinac Island area, and some of the Upper Peninsula. I wanted to share our adventures and photos in a new "Explored" post so here goes!

You might say that Michigan is in my blood. My mom grew up there, my parents honeymooned in Mackinaw City, our family lived in the Flint area for a few years, and we've vacationed in Mackinaw several times.

Going back this time was like seeing an old friend after 8 years apart. Last time we were in Mackinaw, I was going into my senior year of college, Michael was 9, and Nick and I hadn't dated yet (though we were friends). This time, Nick and I were celebrating our second wedding anniversary on a trip that included time with family and ended with a wedding in Flint.

We headed out on our road trip on Friday, July 10, and drove to Mackinaw City. We decided to stay in the city, which is on the mainland, and visit Mackinac Island a few times throughout our stay. Our first trip over to the island--via ferry boat--was on Saturday.

During special trips to the island, some of the ferry lines will take a little detour and drive under the massive Mackinac Bridge which serves as the dividing line between Lake Michigan and Lake Huron. It also connects the Lower and Upper Peninsulas.

It was so cool to ride under the bridge and see it up close. Many people said it couldn't be built, but here it stands today, the Mighty Mac!

After the ferry ride (which if you sit on the upper deck, is very windy!), we arrived at Mackinac Island. The island is 8.2 miles around and doesn't allow motorized vehicles. Visitors and residents travel by bike or horse-drawn carriage.

The "downtown" area is filled with lots of shops, restaurants, and hotels. A block off main street we found a little coffee shop I had discovered on Instagram prior to our trip, Lucky Bean Coffeehouse. (If you're ever on Mackinac Island, you must go there, it's delicious!) After that we rented bikes and were off on a little trip around the island!

After a fun first day on the island, we spent Sunday hanging out on the mainland in Mackinaw City. That included shopping, checking out different restaurants and coffee shops, playing mini golf, and enjoying the beach and view at our lakeside hotel.

 

On Monday we celebrated our second wedding anniversary with another trip to the island. This time we rented a drive-it-yourself carriage, took a walk, got more coffee, and had dinner at the Mission Point Resort.

On Tuesday, my family arrived in Mackinaw City and we enjoyed spending the rest of our trip together. This included more mini golf and coffee, another (final) trip to the island, a drive over the Mackinac Bridge and time in the UP, and of course, more good food.

On our last trip to Mackinac Island, Nick and I biked around the island again with my dad and brother. We also climbed up to Arch Rock (207 steps to be exact). The climb was worth it because the view was fantastic. The water was beautiful shades of turquoise and blue and we could see sailboats that had come in during the Chicago Yacht Club's Race to Mackinac.

I always encourage anyone who asks me about the Mackinaw area to visit. It's a great place to have a relaxing vacation, as busy or as chill as you want it to be. You can travel to surrounding areas and see the sights, or just stick with local options. It's always beautiful and full of friendly people and yummy fudge (though I go for the ice cream, myself). ;)

Have you been to Mackinac Island? Or are you planning a trip there in the future? I'd love to hear about your experience or what you're hoping to do!

Forgiven Lovers: A Short Guide to Changing the World

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; that’s why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little." Then He said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." Those who were at the table with Him began to say among themselves, "Who is this man who even forgives sins?" And He said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you. Go in peace." {Luke 7:47-50}

I love this passage, it's one of my favorites from the New Testament. It's a beautiful reminder that love and forgiveness commingle in our lives to produce each other. Forgiveness drives us to love, love drives us to forgive.

This Bible story starts in the home of a Pharisee, a devoutly religious man. The Pharisees believed their good deeds made them holy, elevating them above those deemed sinners. They were the legalists of their day. This particular Pharisee had invited Jesus over for a meal.

At some point, a woman—a known sinner in the town—shows up after hearing that Jesus is there. She weeps and her tears fall on Jesus' feet, which she then wipes with her hair. She anoints His feet with fragrant oil. The Pharisee misses what is happening because all he can think is, "This man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what kind of woman this is who is touching Him—she’s a sinner!"

There's more to this story, but let's stop here for a moment. When you read the Bible, you see that Jesus didn't turn a blind eye to the heart issues of the Pharisees (or anyone for that matter). He called them out on numerous occasions. (See multiple instances in Matthew 12.) You would think that since Pharisees were the keepers of religious knowledge, they would've understood what Jesus was about. But they missed it because they didn't realize they weren't any different than the sinners they looked down upon. (See Luke 5:29-32.)

The same thing happens today in churches and towns and on social media and in blog posts. Religious people have had a field day with anything deemed wrong or sinful since the beginning of recorded history, and probably before. Legalistic tendencies--the process of elevating oneself while condemning another--are nothing new. The only difference is that today there is the broader platform of the internet from which to broadcast rants, finger pointing and hurtful speech.

When people who claim to be followers of Christ engage in this behavior, they lose sight of what Jesus came here to do. Let's go back to the story.

After the Pharisee has his moment of shock and disdain, Jesus tells him a story. "A creditor had two debtors. One owed 500 denarii, and the other 50. Since they could not pay it back, he graciously forgave them both. So, which of them will love him more?" The Pharisee responds, "I suppose the one he forgave more."

Bingo. That's the key, that's what this is all about. Jesus affirms the Pharisee's answer, then points out the love the sinful woman is displaying. He says, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she, with her tears, has washed My feet and wiped them with her hair. You gave Me no kiss, but she hasn’t stopped kissing My feet since I came in. You didn’t anoint My head with olive oil, but she has anointed My feet with fragrant oil."

This woman knew she was a sinner. She didn't need anyone broadcasting it from the rooftops or blasting her on social media. She knew what she had done wrong, that her sins were in fact many, and that she needed something more. She desperately craved the forgiveness she could only receive from Jesus. That forgiveness—instantaneous, I believe, though also verbally given by Jesus later—fueled an outpouring of lavish love.

That's what forgiveness from Jesus does, it enables us to love—truly, richly, lavishly. We can't get it until we admit we need it, and we can't give it until we receive it. And friends, receiving forgiveness means accepting it.

In my opinion, therein lies the problem with the Christian community at large. Some of us can't see our own need for Jesus' forgiveness. That even though we do so-called good deeds, they are no better than filthy rags. We earn nothing by our efforts and we are no better than those we scorn. We are the ones who need forgiveness. 

Then there are those who have asked and now need to accept Jesus' forgiveness. This is where I so often fall, and maybe that's why I can see it so easily in others. I can't tell you how many times I have felt guilty for one single offense. And over and over again, I keep asking Jesus to forgive me for the same exact thing. And that, friends, is wrong.

Asking for forgiveness involves believing that we will be forgiven, then receiving that forgiveness. If you don't accept forgiveness, you don't really believe you're forgiven, or that you're forgiveable. You're not trusting that Jesus will do what He says, that He will keep His word, that He will and does forgive you the first time, every time. 

If we don't believe Jesus' word—no matter what it is—we make Him out to be a liar, to be dishonest, to not be good. And we are no better off than those who have yet to ask for His forgiveness. Accepting Jesus' forgiveness means believing it, taking it in, letting it change you, letting love take the place of sin and pain, letting Jesus rule in your heart. And that, my friends, is the key. That's what this is all about. 

I want to challenge you, if you say you follow Jesus, to examine your heart. Do you need forgiveness, or do you need to accept forgiveness? Is anything standing in the way of you being able to truly love those who so desperately need it? Anger, finger pointing, name calling, and the like won't change hearts, won't call people to Jesus. Only love can do that.

14 Things I Love About You

Okay, y'all, you know by now that I love using social media platforms to spread goodness. I figure there's enough negativity out there, some positive stuff won't hurt. So today, since it's Valentine's Day, I decided to write a little post with some goodness for my main squeeze, Nick.

If you don't like Valentine's Day or love stuff, I won't be hurt if you totally skip this post. I don't want to rub anything in anyone's face, I just want to help by uplifting the man I married. Plus, with all this "50 Shades of Grey" crap floating around out there, why not give a look at what real love and real life is like? So, here are 14 things I love and appreciate about Nick. :)

1. I love how we communicate. Most people who know Nick know that he likes to talk. I love that about him because I'm never left wondering what he's thinking or feeling. We can talk openly and freely about anything and everything, and during hard times, it's a lot easier to work through things when we can communicate openly. I also like that he can carry a conversation with anyone, which really helps when I don't feel like trying to make small talk. ;)

2. I appreciate that I don't have to ask for help. Nick is always ready and willing to jump in and help out with everyday tasks like laundry and the dishes. He has such a servant's heart and is always looking for practical ways to do things for me. He'll fill up the car with gas, or go get coffee, or run the vacuum. It's the little things that make a big difference.

3. I love Nick's heart for young people. It is so awesome to see how Nick loves and cares for the students in our church's youth program and seeks to teach them from the Bible. He genuinely cares about their spiritual, emotional and physical well being, and if I were a parent of a student, I'd want them in any program he was running.

4. I love how we can be goofy together. I can't really go into too many details, because it's kind of embarrassing, but I love how we can just be ourselves together. Whether it's talking in random voices or acting like wackos, we have lots of fun together. After being around people who tried to change me, I appreciate that Nick loves me for exactly who I am.

5. I appreciate how Nick supports me. No matter what I'm working on, Nick supports me in whatever I do. It means so much to have someone who doesn't marginalize me because I'm a woman, or feels like we're competing against each other. We can be two strong individuals in our vocations, both supporting each other in our goals and dreams.

6. I love Nick's generous heart. Nick will help anyone and everyone he can. He loves to give of his time, abilities, and resources. This also goes with point #2, in that often he gives without me or others having to ask. Plus he's good at remembering special days and finding gifts for them. :)

7. I appreciate Nick's relationship with Jesus. I love that Nick allows Jesus to guide his heart and life. He's sensitive to where God is leading us, pursues a relationship with the Lord and wants me to do the same. He also shows me Jesus' love by caring for me selflessly and unconditionally.

8. I appreciate the example Nick sets for other men. Nick lives with integrity and character. He's an example of how to conduct oneself as a man of God. He also spends time meeting with other men, pouring into their lives and encouraging them in their faith.

9. I love Nick's positivity. Nick is definitely a "bright-side" kind of guy. He doesn't waste time on negativity or being a downer, but has an uplifting and positive spirit. He looks for the good in people and situations, and seeks to bring goodness to those around him.

10. I love how we do things together. Nick and I just like to be together, and I love that. It doesn't really matter what we're doing, going out and having fun or staying in and watching a movie. We enjoy being around each other and spending quality time together. I also like how we can get into the same things, like watching reality tv, sipping lattes, playing games, and investing in high schoolers.

11. I appreciate Nick's passion for cooking. I have moments where I love cooking, but I also have moments where I kind of hate it. I love that Nick enjoys cooking and that he knows a few things I don't in the kitchen. He loves to make dinner, whip up a snack, or make something yummy on the grill. It takes some of the pressure off me to always deliver a delicious dinner. ;)

12. I love Nick's cuteness. Okay, time to get a little sappy. I love how handsome Nick is, and how he gets these cute puppy dog eyes. They're adorbs. If our kids get his eyes, I'm going to have a hard time saying no. Haha.

13. I appreciate how at the core, we're best friends. Nick and I have known each other for about 8 years, and were just friends for 6 of those years. Over that time we got to know each other really, really well. It was a perfect foundation on which to build a marriage. It taught us how to stick together and care for each other in good times and bad. Real life isn't always great and amazing, sometimes it's difficult and painful and you have to help each other through the challenges. We've done that for years and I know we will continue to do that in the years to come.

14. I love who Nick is as a person. People are so complex. Our life experiences, personalities, hobbies, and so many other things combine to make us who we are. Nick has quite a life story, many things came together to make him who he is, and I love that person. He is so special to me and I love getting to be his wife.

Happy Valentine's Day, Nick! I love you! :)

How to Create a Wedding Slideshow

When Nick and I were planning our wedding, we decided to make a video slideshow of photos [our growing up years through our engagement] which we played prior to the ceremony in place of a prelude. We also played it at our rehearsal dinner so that our bridal party and families could see it. I had some people ask where they could watch it later, so I promised to put it on YouTube. Well, it's a little late but it's finally up!

Besides sharing the video, I also wanted to share some tips for creating a slideshow like this for your wedding. It's easy to put together, but it will take some time. You can display it whenever you want, whether after the ceremony while guests are still seated, or at the reception while guests are waiting for you to arrive. It's a great filler for down time, which can get boring at weddings.

Tips for Creating a Wedding Slideshow

1. Ask for help

One of the biggest challenges to creating a slideshow is gathering the content. Depending on how long you want your slideshow to be, you will need a lot of photos. You will also need photos you might not have access to, like your fiance's baby pictures. Don't be afraid to ask for help gathering and scanning pictures.

I got lucky when I started working on our slideshow, Nick's mom had recently scanned tons of past photos of the family and posted them on Facebook. It was easy to click through and drag-and-drop the photos I wanted to use into my computer's desktop. I had some of my own photos already scanned and saved, but not many. I had to dig through a few boxes of old pictures to find some I could use.

2. Scan multiple photos at once

Rather than scanning one photo at a time, which will take longer, put as many photos as possible on the scanning glass and take turns saving them. Your scanner should allow you to select the area of one image at a time, which you can then save to a folder.

3. Be selective 

Chances are you will find tons of cute, useable pictures and you may be tempted to scan them all. Try to limit yourself and be selective. Choose one photo for each year of your life and your fiance's life, or choose one or two photos that represent a milestone. Make sure you choose at least one photo that includes important family members and friends. You don't want your slideshow to go on forever. 

That being said, you may want to scan a few extra photos in case you need to fill out your slideshow to fit the background music you select. Be flexible with your selections, but keep in mind that your guests don't need to see 25 baby photos of you both. Look for variety.

4. Save all the photos in one place

As you're collecting photos, make sure to put them all in the same folder on your computer. Once you start making your slideshow, you won't have to go searching through multiple folders or remember where you put certain pictures. Everything will be in one place, which will save time and eliminate stress.

5. Pick music that will fit the mood

It's important to select songs that will not only fit with the theme of your wedding, but will also mesh well with the photos you are displaying. Try to find songs that will represent the process of growing up, falling in love, etc. You will want to structure your slideshow so that the pictures fit within the music, which will help determine how many photos you can display per song. A photo should only be on the screen for a matter of seconds to keep things interesting and moving.

6. Use a simple program to create your slideshow

I have a Windows7 operating system, so I used Windows Movie Maker to create my slideshow [if you have a Mac, iMovie is a simple program you can use]. It's easy to use because it involves a basic drag-and-drop creation process. [Drag-and-drop all your photos, then your music.] Once all your photos have been imported, you can select them all and then set the duration of time they will display [I set mine for 3.5 seconds each]. Then you can set animations for each photo, like zooming in or scrolling, which will make your slideshow dynamic.

If you've never used a movie-making program before, it may save stress to ask for help from someone who has. However, neither program is particularly difficult to use, so if you're a fast learner, you should be able to figure it out. I recommend using a simple program because they're easy to use and provide the features you will need and not the ones you won't. The point is to not over-complicate your slideshow, or the slideshow making process. You have a lot going on with wedding planning, you don't need to add more stress. [Also, if you want, you can recruit someone to make your slideshow for you. This may be a great project for your fiance if he's into it.]

7. Save often

I can't stress this enough. If your movie-making program crashes mid-project and you haven't saved it, you will lose everything. Save your project frequently to avoid stress and losing your work.

8. Final touches/recommendations

It's ultimately up to you when deciding how to structure your slideshow, but I have a few final recommendations. First, I recommend placing photos in chronological order. People will like "watching you grow" as opposed to seeing pictures in a random order. In our slideshow, we intertwined photos of Nick and I growing up. You can do it this way, or you could separate your photos and your fiance's, showing one of you growing up and then the other.

Second, choose alternating animations for the sake of variety and interest. Don't give every photo the exact same zooming-in effect. Change things up and try not to use the same animation back-to-back. Sometimes it gets hard to remember which animations you're selecting when you're working quickly. After editing a group of photos, go back and watch them to see how everything looks together.

Third, try to use the clearest, most focused photos you have. Sometimes you have to throw in a grainy or fuzzy pic because that's all you have. But, as often as possible, include high-resolution, well-exposed photos so that your guests can actually see them. If you need to, use a quick photo editing program to enhance your scanned photos. If your scanner doesn't have editing software, try a free, easy-to-use photo editing site like PicMonkey.com. Just make sure you don't get bogged down with editing every single photo. Your pictures should be clear, not museum-quality. 

Fourth, don't be afraid to re-watch your slideshow a dozen times to make sure everything is just right. Get input from your fiance or a couple of friends before you finish. And, add a finishing touch like a fade in at the beginning and a fade out at the end.

Finally, publish and save your slideshow to the proper device. It's important to know if your slideshow needs to be burned to a DVD, saved on a flash drive, or published online. Make sure you know what equipment will be used when the slideshow is displayed. If you have a tech guy running everything, check with him on what is required. When in doubt, save a couple of different ways.