Friday, January 7, 2011

The Greater Good

I'm trying to learn what it means to be available, to put everything I want aside and be accessible.

Right now, it's a challenge because all I really want is to get everything figured out in my life. Well, maybe not everything, but at least the big things. Where to live and where to work are the main ones, and they go hand-in-hand.

The thing I keep trying to tell myself is that God works in his timing, not ours. This is becoming more and more obvious as I wait. My timing would be for everything to have been crystal clear yesterday. I always want things undeniably obvious, and the sooner the better. If things were obvious, I wouldn't have to question every little thing. Is what I'm doing right? Should I be someplace else? Am I wasting my time here?

But I suppose if things were always obvious, there would be no struggle, no learning experience. And if anything, I've learned a lot from the places I've been. I've learned that I sometimes make hard and fast decisions, which aren't always the best. And that, too, is probably why things aren't obvious right now.

So right now, I'm just trying to be available, open. Open to movement and direction. Open to needs beyond my own, and where I can do the most good. Clinton, I feel like, is one of those places. In Denver, I felt like I watched from the sidelines, lost in a beautiful but different world. Here, there's so much lacking, but so much room for me to give.

I want to contribute, more than I want the perfect job and perfect place. I want to help, to do good, and to benefit others. I want to move beyond a selfish existence, consumed with what I'll do and what I'll become. I won't become anything worth a second glance if all I care about is myself.

That's why this time is hard, but important. I'm learning what it means to let go, again. I have to move past my hang-ups and wants and focus on the greater good, and being available to help accomplish it. I hope that, in the being available, my next steps become undeniably clear, because I'm waiting to take them.

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