The Greater Good

I'm trying to learn what it means to be available, to put everything I want aside and be accessible.

Right now, it's a challenge because all I really want is to get everything figured out in my life. Well, maybe not everything, but at least the big things. Where to live and where to work are the main ones, and they go hand-in-hand.

The thing I keep trying to tell myself is that God works in his timing, not ours. This is becoming more and more obvious as I wait. My timing would be for everything to have been crystal clear yesterday. I always want things undeniably obvious, and the sooner the better. If things were obvious, I wouldn't have to question every little thing. Is what I'm doing right? Should I be someplace else? Am I wasting my time here?

But I suppose if things were always obvious, there would be no struggle, no learning experience. And if anything, I've learned a lot from the places I've been. I've learned that I sometimes make hard and fast decisions, which aren't always the best. And that, too, is probably why things aren't obvious right now.

So right now, I'm just trying to be available, open. Open to movement and direction. Open to needs beyond my own, and where I can do the most good. Clinton, I feel like, is one of those places. In Denver, I felt like I watched from the sidelines, lost in a beautiful but different world. Here, there's so much lacking, but so much room for me to give.

I want to contribute, more than I want the perfect job and perfect place. I want to help, to do good, and to benefit others. I want to move beyond a selfish existence, consumed with what I'll do and what I'll become. I won't become anything worth a second glance if all I care about is myself.

That's why this time is hard, but important. I'm learning what it means to let go, again. I have to move past my hang-ups and wants and focus on the greater good, and being available to help accomplish it. I hope that, in the being available, my next steps become undeniably clear, because I'm waiting to take them.

Life Purposeful

Why is it that I always, always have to try to take matters into my own hands? I want to do something, and rather than stop and think about whether I should do it, I do it anyway? Then, all I really succeed in doing is complicating life when it really should be more simple.

I feel like most times I'm counter-productive to myself. Rather than just letting things be, I have to get in, make a mess, and then wait for God to dig me out and clean me up. It's always the same vicious cycle, messing up, cleaning up, messing up...

I suppose the point isn't necessarily to get things right all of the time, it's to learn from the mistakes and move on. Learning from the mistakes is the hard part. Lots of times it's just easier to live in them, rather than rise above them.

I feel like now is really the time for me to get my act together, as life is changing so rapidly. It's time to rise above the foolish and silly things I let myself become involved in. I have to find what it is I'm really meant to do, beyond the mundane, and do it. Truthfully, this may be a challenge, but it will be well worth it in the end.

This week, being back home, I feel like it's time for me to explore my options and find out where God wants me to be. I'm praying that he'll make it clear, and as always, that he'll give me peace.

Life Escalated

These days, I'm happy just to have a few moments to breathe, to think. So much is happening so fast, I feel like I should be holding on to something so I don't get swept away.

Life, very rarely, is "planned out," even though we to do our best to plan it every day. We decide what we'll do and when, even making plans for the unexpected things that we didn't plan on happening.

Most times, however, those plans don't quite work out the way we thought or hoped they would. There's always a glitch, a flaw, something we didn't plan for. At least, that's the story of my life.

Now, once again, I'm tempted to try to plan life in this tumultuous time. But as tempted as I am, deep down I know it won't do me much good. Each of my plans has failed before, and the rest will probably fail too. The only plans that have succeeded are the ones I haven't come up with. The ones that God has written and directed. Which is why, in all this mess, I feel most at peace.

Peace, a word, a concept that's been reoccurring quite often, and I feel like is my word for the year. Peace knowing that God's got my life in his hands. Peace knowing I don't have to stress or worry. Peace in my heart, being able to be still and quiet and just exist. Peace in my relationships, letting them be as they are and letting go of what I cannot control. And being able to bring peace to others, however I can.

The past few days have been anything but peaceful, and I'm sure the next few will be similar. There have been so many times when I've wanted to stress out, or freak out, but this overwhelming feeling of peace and calm has kept me from it. It almost goes against human nature to relax in the hardest moments, but through God's grace I've been able to.

I have no idea what the days ahead will hold, but I sort of like that. I know that anything can happen, and with God in control, it will be good. For now, I'm just working on following his leading in every aspect of my life, and leaning always on his peace.

One Day's Ending is Another Day's Beginning

There are so many adages and quotes for times like these. "When God shuts a door he opens a window." "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

The truth is, when something ends, you can't really solve it with a clever quote. You have to work through it, the confusion, the fear, until you conquer it, or it conquers you.

Today, I'm learning about endings again. Like most endings, it was unexpected, sort of a slap in the face. The company that I've worked for since August 2009 is downsizing, and part of that meant cutting my position and letting me go.

Initially, I faced the fear... with hysterics. One million questions and zero answers, with me at a loss for what to do. Mentally, I ran through the options, trying to reassure myself that something would work out. But when you're dealing with the fear, it's hard to be rational.

Then I spent some time talking to wiser people than myself, and lots of loving friends, and I learned a few important things. The first, and biggest, came of course from my mother, who is probably the wisest person I know. She said, "God obviously didn't want you there, and he got you out of there quicker than you were getting yourself."

The truth is, when bad things happen, our first instinct isn't typically to say, "This is good, this is part of the plan." Instead we wallow in pity and worry, bemoaning what happened and not considering that it happened on purpose. God, being all sovereign, can and does work through every circumstance, both the good and the bad. And I know he's working through this one.

I'm also learning yet again that trusting God is essential. If you don't believe that he's in control and taking care of you, you will despair. The knowledge that he is looking after me, protecting me and caring for me means I don't have to become distressed or hopeless. The truth is, he's taken care of me thus far; why would he stop now?

Finally, I learned that you have to let people in. When things of this nature happen, it's easy to want to keep them hidden. Really, it's a pride issue. But no one wants the world to know that something they were doing failed. What I had to do is get past that, and acknowledge that I needed my friends and loved ones. Allowing them to effectively love on me meant I had to let them in on what was happening. And I'm very glad I did. I have received so much support, it's overwhelming. I had someone to talk to non-stop from the moment I left work to... now. It hasn't stopped.

So my adage or quote for this experience is, "One day's ending is another day's beginning." I feel like that sums up everything I've learned tonight. This is the end of one day, one chapter, one part of the whole. Tomorrow, a new day dawns, another chapter opens and another piece begins. How fitting that it falls on the end of one year and the start of another.

I can't wait for my new beginning, a glorious dawn full of potential and life. I can't wait for God to open doors, provide in radical ways, and shower me with his love along the way. I know he'll do the same for you, no matter what chapter of life you find yourself in, and I hope that brings you encrouagement.

Happy New Year. :)