Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Outsider's Guide to Fitting In: Dating as an Adult

Someone really needs to write a manual on dating as an adult, because it's getting ridiculous! I attempted to find out if someone had by Googling a relevant phrase... the first link was for a page that definitely wasn't PG. I got out of that window quick.

So, if you're trying out the dating scene post-high school or college, here are some things you may want to keep in mind, in a "manual" written Elise-style. (If you're not dating, you can read it for laughs at the expense of all those branded "single.") It's sort of an outsiders guide because, let's face it, who feels like an insider while dating these days?

Meeting people is HARD
If you thought it was hard to meet people in high school or college where you were surrounded by your peers, it's even harder now. Your options for meeting people may include...

- The internet. This option can be terrifying and freakish all at once. Be warned, photoshop and photo stealing are common occurrences.
- Bars. Yet another terrifying option as most people in bars are either drunk or depressed. Or drunk and depressed. This really isn't the best option...
- Church. This is the dating mecca for all Christian adults. Be warned: people in the singles group will be looking. Hardcore. If you see someone of the opposite sex circling in for the kill, it's not because they want to be friends.
- Work. This is the worst place to meet people. If it doesn't work out, you're stuck seeing them again and again and again... Want to forget Joe Schmoe or Silly Susie? Sorry, you get to be cubie buddies forever!

Online Dating: The new "normal"
I cannot tell you how many people I know who have tried online dating, including myself. For some, it has worked well (I know a few marrieds), for others, well, not so much... Here are a few things to know about online dating:

- If a site claims to match you with people who are "compatible," beware. That's code for, "you may both say you love Jesus, and that's good enough for us." If you both like sports, well that seals the deal.
- Avoid anyone who is 45 and still living at home, that's not normal.
- Be very picky, you will find some people who are online because they couldn't get a date in real life.

What's a break-up?
Having a conversation about your relationship and how it's doing is a thing of the past. Now, prepare yourself for...

- When the person you're dating is ready to break-up, you will know because you won't hear from them. Ever again.
- It seems like the entire population has decided that it's easier to "drop it like it's hot" than set it down gently.
- Should you attempt to broach the topic of the break-up situation, be prepared to do it via text-message. It saves time and breath.
- If you see your former break-up individual out in public, be prepared for one of two things: acting like everything is completely normal, or acting like, "oh what's that over there!"

We're seeing each other
Terms for dating have totally changed, as you will see:

- Forget DTRs (Defining The Relationship, a conversation people used to have in olden times to clarify where the relationship was at), they don't exist any more. If you see someone for more than two days in a row, you're probably dating.
- No one likes commitment anymore. Now you're "seeing" the person. When you don't see them any more, you've officially broken up.
- You can call them your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they won't ask you to. So you better not let them hear you say it.

If you're a girl...
Guys have gotten a lot cheaper. Plan to pay, even when they ask you out. It's not even called going Dutch anymore. It's called expected. Also, be prepared for guys to expect you to do certain things. There's no such thing as "boundaries" any more.

If you're a guy...
Girls are really out there, so don't expect much to go unsaid. In fact, now-a-days, they ask you out, tell you where to go and what to wear. All you have to do is drag yourself there.

In conclusion...
Should you choose to ignore these facts on dating be prepared...

- To be shocked and dismayed.
- To feel utterly lost and confused 99% of the time.

Should you choose to behave differently than the whole of dating society, be prepared...

- To be called whipped if you're a guy.
- To not be in a relationship for very long if you're a girl.

1 comment:

camille nicole said...

You are hilarious.

I would tell you to come to England, that I'll find you a guy over here, but you probably don't want to go that route. Just sayin'.

I miss you.

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